Porn Review Haikus: Extreme Edition

Says porn visionary Gram Ponante of his selection of smut flicks that get the literary treatment this week: "Just as the opposite of fear is love, the opposite of ... Hey listen: I don't know where I'm going with that, but there's something to be said for filmmakers intent on capturing the look of surprise on a porn star's face when a standard-size baseball bat is carefully inserted into parts of her, and the thing to be said is, 'You go!'"

Of course, there's a little more to be said—at least seventeen syllables, to be exact— which is why you'll find this week's Porn Review Haikus (and bonus commentary!) after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus
by Gram Ponante

Fahrvergnugen! Wall
Crumbles, reveals a country
Where Goo is Kaiser.

Those Germans sure know how to turn a phrase. There
s schadenfraude, Doppelganger ... and now Spermademutigung, which of course means "Cum Humiliation."

The German Goo Girls are a magical race of beings like the Amish, the Keebler Elves or those Kodo drummer guys. The girls have lived in a castle in the Black Forest for centuries, practicing ancient Teutonic arts of cum absorption. They never get sick, they never grow older, and they
ll never die.

. . .

Drip, guzzle, silence.
My reunion
s coming up.
I hope the check clears.

Jeff Steward of JM Productions, like the youngster at Passover, asked this question: "What makes Gag Factor different from all other blowjob tapes out there?"

The answers, with punctuation added by Elijah:

1. Every girl must swallow the load of cum!
2. Every girl gets throatfucked until she gags and almost pukes!
3. Gag Factor has more stroke value than all other blowjob tapes combined!

Remember: only poseurs hyphenate "throatfuck," and you
ll always put food on the table as a stroke value accountant!

. . .

Cowboy hat, speedo;
Invented the piledriver;
Uses speculum.

Florida-bred Max Hardcore keeps a house so immaculate you would never know that a mere 15 minutes ago he made a barely-18 runaway roll around in urine on the floor. Unapologetic and utterly his own creation, Hardcore acts in his own films—including this one, in which he uses up a whole tube of lipstick on newcomer Alexis.

Seymore Butts, Max Hardcore, and Rob Black occupied the center ring of the three big obscenity trials in porn
s recent history. Hardcore and Black continue to make fisting, pissing, and slapping videos while Butts has tapered off into the realm of reality television (leaving his Cousin Stevie to produce edgier fare like the recent "Pussy Party").

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive