The Weekly Mindfuck: Intention

When you think about all the couples you know in your life, you can probably categorize them into one of two groups based on what you know about their sex lives. They either go at it like rabbits all the time, often having sex in inappropriate corners of parties and telling you way more than you wanted to know about their experiments with rope bondage, or they claim, nonchalantly or perhaps with some resentment, that it's gotten less and less frequent over time. Most people in the latter category can tell you exactly why that is, too - when sex is always available, there's really no sense of urgency to get it in. 

At first glance, when sex is perpetually on the table, seeking it out is less of a game. But that's a bit too reductive. Any sex therapist will tell you that couples who consistently have sex do one thing differently: they have an intention, and not just an intention to bang. They have an intention to explore, both themselves and all the things sex has to offer. In fact, it's pretty tough to have any kind of explorative sex if you're not anticipating it, considering all the things you'd like to try. It doesn't mean sending your significant other a Google invite, but it does mean setting aside space and time to incorporate it into your daily or weekly lifestyle. In the words of Esther Perel, it means not expecting for sex to land upon you like deus ex machina in the middle of doing your laundry. 

You can't try out new toys in bed if you don't buy them first. You won't spontaneously whip out your smartphone to take a video if you don't talk about it with your partner - at least, there's a very, very slim chance. Like anything else great you do or achieve in life, great sex takes planning and adaptability. Moving from a place of no-bets casual sex to one of sure-bet partnered sex means adapting your strategy. It's no ideal for everyone, because once you've explored someone's body sufficiently during sex, it means exploring someone's erotic mind. That's perhaps the most sincere form of sexual vulnerability, and it takes one hell of a self-assured person to put time and effort into that kind of real connection. 

I read an article recently describing sex as an activity for grownups - that good sex was reserved for those who could plan, introspect, and be accountable. It takes a mature skill set to explore, really explore, and a very responsible and self-aware person to set aside the kind of time and effort necessary to sustain a stellar sex life.

Perhaps all we need is a change of perspective.