Behind Closed Doors: How Do We Define Sexual Wellbeing?

Sexual wellbeing is an ambiguous phrase, and that's likely because our cultural fascination with sexuality is entirely contradictory. There's our fascination with sex - everyone consuming modern media has heard the phrase "sex sells." At least, I suppose, we can all agree that it's the human condition to be obsessed with copulation on a general, non-specific level. 

But when it comes to the personal - they sex we have in our own lives, the sex our friends and family members are having, we rebuke sex like it's the original sin. I suppose it is, Biblically speaking. It's the perfect storm for perpetuating absurdities and constantly retelling untruths to our kids and our friends and our spouses. We can't get too comfortable - certainly not too expressive - with our own sexualities the way they are, or we are deviant, slutty, promiscuous, sex-crazed - you get the idea. It makes the phrase "sexual wellbeing," a paradox of sorts.

To admit that sexuality is a crucial component of our health and wellness is often deemed as blasphemy, simply because something as dirty or perverted as sex couldn't possibly contribute to a healthy mind and life, right? Even if you are an incredibly open-minded and sexually liberated person, you can probably attest to how little you've heard "sexual health" defined as anything but the avoidance of diseases, boner issues, and unwanted pregnancies.

The World Health Organization, however, has a more holistic idea in mind. It defines sexual health as:

"A state of physical, emotional, mental, and social wellbeing in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled."

To inherent pillars of sexual health are respect (with an obvious tie-in to consent) and fulfillment (with a not-so-obvious tie-in to expression). It is not enough to be disease free and firing on all pistons, as they say - it requires a self-study and self-exploration practice that allows your sexual desires and fantasies to come to fruition. This requires a steadfast kind of sexual authenticity that is most certainly not taught in any of the various ways our culture approaches sexuality. To get a better of idea of what sexual wellbeing is - and how we can get on the road there - I consulted Emily Nagoski's (author of Comes As You Are) TED Talk. Give it a listen:

She dissects the building blocks of sexual wellbeing in a way that my organized brain loves, beginning with our broadest ingredients: Confidence and joy. Two very abstract terms that certainly make sense, but don't provide us with anything actionable. She goes on to define what those mean, thankfully: Confidence, by her definition, is knowing what's true - which, like I mentioned earlier, takes a degree of unjudgemental self-exploration. What is your sexuality really like? What are you really into? Where are your buttons? What are your fantasies? 

That, it seems, is only step one, though. The other half of the equation is joy, which is loving what is true about yourself and your sexuality. This kind of self-acceptance is what enables you to bring your sexuality to fruition without all those negative emotions, like grief and shame. This kind of full, expressive sexuality makes you happier in every facet of your life, too; take an excerpt from this study about sexual wellbeing from 2008: 

"Women with active and satisfying sexual relationships report consistently higher ratings of emotional and relationship satisfaction. This heightened sense of well-being potentially contributes to improved subjective health and other positive outcomes."

Despite the simplicity of "know your sexuality, love your sexuality," it remains a difficult thing to achieve. Finding sexual wellbeing takes significant amounts of practice and reprogramming - after all, if loving ourselves was so easy, we'd all be doing it. Nevertheless, it's achieveable, and it offers even more evidence in the battle against sexual oppression and repression in all genders. 

Dictating how, when, where, and why people should fuck, it turns out, is really, really unhealthy. Or as Emily says in her speech, you don't have to ask - your sexuality is normal.