Surprise! US Bishops Don’t Like Porn!

by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com Porn For Women

When I’m looking for good advice on a particular subject, I always find the most reliable, perceptive feedback comes from people who know just about nothing about the subject, other than it’s something of which they really don’t approve.

For example, when I want pointers on which heavy metal bands are the best, I generally ask the biggest jazz music purists I can find. I mean, who better to break down the intricacies and subtleties of high-decibel hard rock than someone who has consistently and steadfastly refused to listen to any of it?

By the same token, when I need good advice on sexual subjects, I don’t turn to women’s magazines, people who study human sexuality or any manner of so-called “sex therapist.”

No way – because clearly if there’s anyone I should trust on the subject of sex, it’s someone who has taken a solemn vow never to have any.

This Shocker Just In: Catholic Bishops Don’t Approve of Porn

In a statement released November 17 (timed to correspond with the thematically-appropriate National Peanut Butter Lovers Month, I assume), the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops gave their “Pastoral Response to Pornography,” – a document which, despite its name and stated subject matter, has absolutely nothing to do with porn shot on farms where they raise sheep and/or cattle.

To my utter shock and dismay, it turns out U.S. Catholic Bishops are actually against porn. I mean seriously; who saw that coming?

“The moral status of pornography is clear,” the Bishops tell us in the letter. “Producing or using pornography is gravely wrong.”

Well, that puts a pretty fine point on the matter, I’d say. Porn is not just wrong, but gravely so – which is akin to the difference between a man wearing cheap sandals and a man wearing cheap sandals with socks.

The good news for all you porn-watching sinners – other than the obvious good news that you always have the opportunity to repent by sitting in a dimly lit booth telling your local priest about all the disgusting filth you’ve been watching on the internet – is that there are degrees of porn-watching culpability. 

Obviously, more extreme levels of porn-culpability will get you into some serious shit with God, while others, presumably, will result in the Church just moving you to a new parish where people don’t yet know how fucked up you are.

As the Bishops put it, the sin of watching porn is “grave matter by its object,” but the offense can be either augmented or mitigated according your level of one’s pornographic mens rea, so to speak.

Watching porn “is a mortal sin if it is committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent,” while “unintentional ignorance and factors that compromise the voluntary and free character of the act can diminish a person’s moral culpability.”

In other words, if you get caught watching porn by your significant other, the smart play is to claim some evil hacker infected your laptop with a virus which somehow inserted a bunch of anal sex videos into your browser history without you ever actually watching them.

Oh – And No Jerking Off, Either

Counterintuitive as it may seem, the same bunch of perpetually blue-balled guys who have taken an oath not to fuck women apparently also made another promise somewhere along the line to not even masturbate as an alternative to fucking them.

In what strikes me as a bit of a petulant “If I Can’t, Neither Can You” orientation, the U.S. Bishops want to make it perfectly clear you aren’t to sit around fondling your genitals, either, with or without the aid of pornography.

“Pornography use is connected with or can lead to other sins in addition to those already mentioned, especially masturbation,” the Bishops write. “Masturbation, which is deliberate, erotic stimulation often to the point of orgasm, commonly occurs together with pornography use.”

Whoa there, Sherlock! Did you Bishops work out the above connection on your own, or did you employ a team of private investigators to follow the breadcrumbs from porn to a man with his erect dick clutched in his fist?

Just in case you were thinking masturbation was some minor spiritual faux pas, the Bishops have news for you: masturbating is (you guessed it!) “gravely” wrong, as well.

“While popular culture largely sees it as acceptable, masturbation is always gravely contrary to chastity and the dignity of one’s body,” the Bishops say. “Like other sins against chastity, it seeks sexual pleasure outside of the mutual self-giving and fruitful intimacy of spouses in marriage, in this case, even outside of any relationship at all.”

NO WAY! People masturbate when they aren’t in any sort of relationship at all? Where is the FBI when you need them, I ask?

Don’t worry too much, though; even if you have committed the unspeakable act of masturbation at some point in your deeply shameful past, there’s still hope, despite the crippling psychological impact of your sinful self-stimulation.

“In addition, engaging in masturbation has powerful neurological effects that can make it into a highly addictive behavior,” the Bishops write. “However, true freedom from this destructive habit is possible with the grace of Christ.”

Oh good; I’d hate to think of Christ as capable of forgiving all sins except watching porn and “deliberate, erotic stimulation.”

While We’re On the Subject, Fucking Is Only NOT Sinful In One Context

Just in case you think you’re safe from the disapproval of the Bishops if you get married and don’t watch porn, you’d best plan on having some kids, just to be on the safe side.

After all, as the Bishops stated in their 2009 pastoral letter entitled Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, “Couples too often reflect a lack of understanding of the purposes of marriage.”

“There is a loss of belief in the value of those purposes when couples readily treat, as separate choices, the decisions to get married and to have children. This indicates a mentality in which children are seen not as integral to a marriage but as optional. When children are viewed in this way, there can be damaging consequences not only for them but also for the marriage itself.”

You hear that, all you misguided couples who don’t plan to have children? Not only are you damaging your marriage, you’re also damaging all those kids you never had!

And these guys wonder why the percentage of Americans who self-identify as Catholic is falling.

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film maker and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com and a film producer at BDSM site, Wasteland.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.

 
Visit Coleen at Sssh.com for more kinky sex news and original movies for Women and Couples.