Everything You Never Wanted to Know: Your Guide to Flavored Lube

Many strange things in the world are flavored, like bronzer and nail polish and bubble bath, and few are useful in any capacity. The one exception? Lube. Not only is it great for creating a more exciting and spontaneous sexual environment while you're getting down to business, I imagine it's also ideal for hypoglycemics who are having a blood sugar crash. That said, I understand it's a strange and potentially revolting idea for those who never interpreted "Sex and Candy" literally, so I've devised a guide. Are you ready? 

A dubious guide for using flavored lube 

You need to know a few things about me before I dive into this: This was my first time using flavored lube, and I am expert at exactly 0 things. So, with that knowledge, let me walk you through why I first bought this and why I decided to blast through every flavor in my possession like a kid with a pack of Skittles.

I'll spare you the dirty details, but I once ended up with a mouthful of regular lube. Do you know what regular lube tastes like? Do you? I sincerely hope not, because not only is it grossly thick, kind of like hair gel, but it also tastes like unscented shampoo. I considered going to the doctor to get myself checked for an ulcer, but I refrained. Long after that relationship ended, I had an epiphany: HEY, I bet they make lube that's edible! (I know, I know—the fact that I didn't consider this idea after said event is embarrassing. Let's not discuss it.) 

You might be asking yourself, but Colette, why would you need it to be edible? Why would you lube someone up just before going down on him or her? The answer to that is often complicated, but that's beside the point. I soon found myself with an enormous bag of lube samples (don't ask) and a partner I'd opted to have sex with sans-protection. (That's right, folks, even sex writers are condom fiends. Use protection! All the time!) So I thought to myself, as I'm wont to do, wow—I have a great idea! 

The obvious perks: If you like lube or you like flavored things (or, like me, both), it's great because you can switch between oral and vaginal sex as many times as you want. You don't end up eating a pile of clear goo, and it adds a little zing to the experience. And believe me—no man is going to turn you down when you ask if you can put something flavored on his dick. 

It will also spread onto you, so I imagine the experience is just as fun for the other person. I didn't ask, but I should have. And now, without further ado, the samples in question: They were all System Jo H20 Flavored Lubricant samples, because that's what I had, and they're gluten free. And vegan. And don't contain artificial sweeteners. So for the health conscious out there, this is pretty much as healthful as it gets. It doesn't contain any vitamins as far as I know, but I'm sure they're always taking requests. 

The Lube-off 

As someone with a discriminating palate, I understand that not all flavors are created equal, and I wanted to spare you all the horror of ingesting something that makes you gag. (Something that's not a part of your partner's anatomy, of course.) My only request: No one ask me how I sampled all these flavors in such a small window of time. That, my friends, is only for me to know. Well, me and the Lube Recipient. Anyways. 

1. Strawberry Kiss 

Overall, this was pretty good. Strawberry is a difficult flavor to fuck up, and it has a sort of intensely sweet/sour flavor that masks whatever lube is actually made of. It is a tiny bit sticky because there is actually sugar in there, but not so much so that things don't slip n' slide as they're supposed to. After sampling this flavor, I feel confident saying I would do it again. Pro tip: As fun as it sounds to lube someone up with this and go down on them immediately, I would actually wait to go for oral until after you've started having regular sex, when some of the lube has dissipated. This is not exactly the filling of a Toaster Strudel.

2. Green Apple 

Green Apple was actually pretty similar to Strawberry Kiss in that the flavor overpowered all of the chemicals. I actually liked this one better because it wasn't as sweet. It will, however, get all over your sheets and smell like apples. Not entirely a bad thing, you know?

3. Vanilla Cream 

This flavor was significantly worse. It tastes incredibly synthetic, like how I imagine it tastes to lick your car's upholstery after one of those fancy professional washes. You can't let eating a car freshener stop you when you're on a mission, so I prevailed. "Suck it up" takes on whole new meaning when you're battling with your bottle of lube. 

I'm here all week. 

4. Tropical Passion 

This tastes like sunscreen. That's all I have to say.

All in all, the experience was actually really fun. Flavoring sex obviously isn't necessary, but it does make it more exciting for both parties. At the end of the day, anything you can do to make sex an adventure is a good thing—not to mention something you'll remember. So would I recommend incorporating flavored lube into your sex life? Absolutely. Just avoid vanilla. I warned you. 

Now what?  

So if you've read this entire article without feeling moderately nauseous and feel compelled to try flavored lube out for yourself, here's a link to a sampler pack similar to the one I used. Or, if you're feeling extra thirsty, you can buy full-sized bottles from the manufacturer's website directly. And if you're feeling extra adventurous, there are approximately 1,000,000 flavors out there, like red velvet, whiskey, bacon, and cotton candy.

There's also cocktail flavored lube, which is undoubtedly god's gift to humanity but would be vastly improved upon if it contained alcohol. Margarita flavored lube with tequila, anyone? No? Just me? (Note: I mentioned said idea to my boss and her response was, "Ew. You'd have to suck a million dicks just to get tipsy." So, maybe it's not airtight.)

One thing is for sure: There would be many more head in the world if this flavor existed: 

I call it "The Basic Blow Job."