Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Rabbit Rider

There is something about inserting something synthetic into the one you love that invites comparisons with all the natural things you put in there. I think that's why our nation's vibrator concerns take the easy way out by making things like the Rabbit Rider (with Sliding Rabbit Clit Stimulator) pink and gluey. If anything, I can't be threatened by something pink and gluey. Or can I?

Find out after the gap.
- G. Ponante

- - -

"It smells like a clean kitchen floor," my wife said.

"How the hell would you know? That must be the Cyberskin!" I replied.

This standard vibrator's pink skin is so jellylike that it's hard to imagine it staying attached, but it does. What separates it from other vibes is the little clit stimulator that hugs it like a baby monkey and that can be adjusted depending on how recessed your clitoris is - up to five inches inside your body, I think.

This device is a little like last week's in that one must grasp two distinct elements in order to experience the full functionality of the marital aid, but unlike last week's trinket, which functioned more as a clamp, this me-substitute was adjustable like one's expectations of God.

Sliding a vibrator into one's wife, for a man, is exactly like watching an alternate-angle replay of Crazy Taxi. Either that or one's disembodied spirit floating over a pink , gluey version of oneself on an operating table.

"It feels very silly," my wife said. "But in a good way."

"Don't go into the light, Gram," I told myself.

I flipped her over. I twisted a knob on the vibrator and clicked the clit stimulator a couple of times. The technique required the kind of deftness reserved for fighter pilots and bartenders at resorts.

"Hello," she said.

"Say it," I demanded.

"This doodad could never possibly replace you," she said.

"You're goddamn right," I said, daubing at her with freshly-laundered linens and placing a rose by her head. "Now I'm going out drinking with the fellows."

"Bring back some extra batteries," she said.

· Rabbit Rider (adameve.com)

* * * * *

Previously: The G-Spot Hot Handle, Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Heavy Love Balls, Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Pink Indulgence Massage Wand, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive