DVD Review: “Huge Boobs Galore”

"Do surfer girls have to have life preservers like that?"

Internet-to-DVD company Pink Visual is not interested in what you think of its scripts, nor is one in danger of tripping over the Ming vases lying around its filming locations. Instead, the Tucson-based company found that the down-and-dirty scenes it shot for internet-only content could, with the right amount of cajoling, be effectively transferred to DVD.

"The DVD customer is different from the Internet customer," its marketing manager says.

So a movie like "Huge Boobs Galore" is not laden down with anyone's vision of art. It doesn't need to try very hard.

Why? Well, as Master Yoda says, "There is no try, only boobs." Read our review after the gap. - G. Ponante

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Huge Boobs Galore
Studio: Pink Visual
Cast: Bailey, Destiny, Honey, Brandy Taylor, Ethan

Review by G. Ponante

Bailey is from Texas but she's here in California to surf. The line we opened with at the beginning of tonight's tale is representative of the not-quite-creepy off-camera voice found in better gonzo fare.

There is an element of "Well you have to hear how he says it" at work here, because just writing it down=creepy. The camera guy in the first scene sounds just a bit like a very attentive Jack from the Jack in the Box commercials.

After Bailey is interviewed and she drops some baby oil on her breasts, she is joined by porn guy Ethan.

Bailey has large, natural breasts (as do all the women in this picture) and appears to be in transition to porn girl from The Waitress Who Might Fuck You. She is practiced enough to moan the standard way and to have Ethan restrain her negligible-in-real-life-but-not-for-glamour-porn stomach during the profile shots, but there is a jeans-clad accessibility about her that makes one want to do all manner of things to her by the tracks behind Costco.

Brandy Taylor, hailing from Ohio, admits that her large, natural boobs are an obvious asset but she also extols her legs. "They're short but they're muscular."

Unlike other gonzo titles, this movie's scenes start with an interview and not what is known as a "tease". The actresses are not asked to simulate masturbation on camera. They're just there looking like women with large breasts. This is a distinction of Internet content over DVD content - there's no budget for fakery. When Taylor is told by Scene Two's offstage voice "You have great tits," she says "Thank you." Had this been a made-for-DVD gonzo, she might have been beholden to say something like "Ooooh yeeeaahhh you like them? Ooooooh."

(The results are, of course, the same: a load is shot across her breasts. But it's these wonderful unvarnished touches that please Gram.)

Latina Destiny is next. Her scene suffers due to an extended interview (Mike Wallace should really try out this line of work). She is made to put on a wet t-shirt. She is followed into the shower. The talking goes on and on, and off-camera voices should be legally-mandated to keep it short.

But when Destiny emerges from the shower she's ready to go. She is unabashed about her full stomach and is gorgeous. We could use three Destinys over here, and one in the White House.

The final scene is kind of a disappointment. The setting moves to a "find a girl in a bra store" contrivance, and so we wait through that, and increased chattiness from offstage, until Honey is inevitably brought back to the same hotel room/office where the same type of scene as the three previous ones unfolds.

The shaking up of expectations is unnecessary in such a bare-bones project.

Honey is the skinniest of the three, and more porn-toned. She looks at the camera a lot.

Stop looking at us, Honey!!

...but on the other hand, she actually has pubic hair.

Just when I thought the Internet had let me down ...

You don't need the "Galore" if you've already got the "Huge Boobs". There is an inherent Galore-ishness about all Huge Boobs.

That is why the Chattty Cathys behind the camera don't need to try so hard.

I like to see sunshiney girls with muffin-tops flopping around. Call me crazy. I just don't like to hear the camera guy channeling my thoughts. That's just weird.

· Pink Visual DVDs (pinkvisual.com)
· Huge Boobs Galore (paysite at hugeboobsgalore.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive