The Evaluatress: What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You

Some things you should know before you make an appointment with The Evaluatress: She will give you a brutally honest assessment of your personal style, teeth whiteness, hair thickness, penis size, and general attractiveness. She feels she and her soon-to-be-assembled cadre of professionals have the authority to do so due to "the same authority bestowed upon the women who men try to pick up at galleries, dinner parties, and bars". She will not be nude or even partially unclothed during any part of your interview (though you may be), and there will be no sexual contact of any kind. And she works only in NYC's Meatpacking District, Murray Hill, Soho and East Village neighborhoods*, so if you're in, say, Los Angeles or Iowa or the Upper West Side, so you'll have to wait until she hires more colleagues if you want to spend $75 to have someone give you the real reasons you haven't been getting laid. (Or just stand naked in front of a full-length mirror the morning after a weekend-long binge drinking session—nothing like a wicked hangover to make your powers of brutally honest self-assessment that much more acute. Trust us.)

· The Evaluatress: "Truth, Unadulterated" (evaluatress.com)

*Update The Evaluatress Herself writes in to explain that "('Neighborhoods') was meant simply to indicate the places the Evaluatress might hang out ... Appointments are available in most of Manhattan and many of the neighborhoods of Northwest Brooklyn." Sorry, Iowa and L.A.—you're still out of luck.