Of Pot Smoking, Drinking, Anal Sex and Battery: Never Interrupt a Multitasker

by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples

Nothing ruins a gymnastic feat of physical multitasking like having your concentration broken by some manner of interruption. Whether you’re trying to juggle chainsaws while tap dancing, gargle salt water while singing the National Anthem, or simultaneously smoke weed, drink booze and engage in anal sex, the last thing you need is some busybody barging in on the scene to distract you from your goal(s).

To be fair, there’s no evidence that Pamela Lynn Turney actually intended to interrupt her husband (or her “apparently estranged” husband as The Smoking Gun puts it, which seems like reasonable conjecture on their part, given the circumstances) Chris Turney and his bountifully buzzed butt-buddy Vickie Lynn Morgan, but by walking in on the two of them in the middle of getting their drink-smoke-and-poke on, she definitely disrupted their impressive trifecta of vice in a big, unpleasant way.

In response to Pamela’s sudden, unexpected and presumably unwanted arrival on the scene of their multifaceted feat of inebriated ass-fuckery, Vickie regrettably resorted to violence. It’s understandable given the circumstances, but a more disciplined and experienced multitasker might have simply thrown a nearby object at Pamela and told her to GTFO. It’s also possible that Vickie considered her alleged assault to be a form of preemptive self-defense; after all, taking it up the ass from somebody’s husband is liable to irk that ‘somebody’ considerably.

Now, some readers have jumped to the conclusion that this encounter took place in a home shared by Chris and Pam, making Vickie the one who was truly cruising for a bruising, but according to the police report, the home in question belongs to Chris’ parents, which dials up the ‘Ick Factor’ a bit, but doesn’t do much to excuse Pam’s crashing of the party.

The scant details in the police report leave many open questions; for instance, are we talking about kind bud, or were Chris and Vickie smoking schwag while they shagged? Were they drinking cognac from proper glassware, or was this a Budweiser-from-the-can situation? Were they practicing safe sex, or was Chris hitting it raw? For that matter, was it even Vickie who was being turd-burgled, or was it perhaps Chris who was feeling the ring sting at the business end of Vickie’s strap-on? C’mon Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office, America needs to know!

At any rate, Pam’s story should serve as an object lesson for us all, and there are several simple rules we can all follow to end up red-faced (and black-eyed) like Pam did.

First and foremost, doorbells and exist for a reason; if nobody answers when you ring, you don’t just walk the fuck in, even if you’re pretty sure your husband is inside, getting liquored up, smoking the chronic and boning someone else up the butt (or taking the hoop ride for himself, whichever may apply here). 

Second, if you feel absolutely compelled to traipse through your in-law’s place in search of your husband, for God’s sake wear a helmet, just in case there’s smoking, drinking and ass-fucking taking place, because as we’ve already established, a buzz-fueled beat down from a multitasking mistress-in-distress is likely in your future, so you might as well go in prepared.

Finally, and most importantly, remember that the only valid reasons to interrupt anal sex all involve being helpful – by, say, adding more lube, or holding someone’s ass cheeks open so the cameraman can get a better view of their gape.

You know what really stands out for me about all this? Stoya, Jessica Drake, or any number of other anal-aware porn stars would never have made Pam’s mistake. And people say porn doesn’t offer anything of educational value? Pam, for one, might beg to differ.

About Coleen Singer:

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen), where she often waxes eloquent about Female Friendly Porn, sex, pleasure products, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.

Visit Coleen at Sssh.com for more sex news, commentary and hot porn for women and couples!