Pornhub’s Christmas Carol Will Honor Tradition by Sucking

By Coleen Singer at Sssh.com Porn For Women

As much as I love to eat excessively, the holiday season still is not my favorite time of year. 

For every delicious turkey meal, there’s at least eight soul-crushing traffic jams. For every loved one you only get to see at Christmas, there are three other relatives you wish were dead who you have to see at Christmas. And for every step I take anywhere remotely near a commercial establishment of any kind, there’s some fucking Christmas carol I have to put up with, over and over and over and OVER again.

Call it, perhaps, “The Tao of Christmas.” 

It’s the delicate balance between cherished traditions, like getting a pleasant buzz from adding an extra nip to your egg nog while reminiscing with family, and less-prized pastimes, like draining the contents of a Heineken mini-keg into your gullet before loudly decrying your entire clan as a pack of worthless ingrates.

Chief among holiday customs I find irritating, however, are the previously mentioned Christmas carols. It would be one thing if I only had to hear the ones I don’t mind quite so much, like Dean Martin’s version of Marshmallow World, and only had to hear them once each. That I think I could withstand each holiday season while still wearing a forced smile on my face as I dodged texting teenagers on the sidewalk outside Crate and Barrel.

As we all know, however, the American holiday season is not like that. The American holiday season is more like some sick sociological experiment we haven’t been let it on, an annual trial by Yuletide-fire designed to test the thresholds of human tolerance for audial torture. It’s I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus as sung by Jessica Simpson on infinite repeat, or the Muzak version of Little Drummer Boy while you’re stuck in an elevator with a colicky baby.

This is why I’m not at all troubled by Pornhub adding its own brand of contrived Christmas crap into the holiday mix. 

Sure, many folks will be offended, because (duh) it’s a porn company looking to ride the coattails of a rather popular religious prophet straight into the Promised Land of Free Publicity, but at this point, people getting worked up over the commercial exploitation of Christmas are just a little late to the party, don’t you think?

Plus, there is something highly traditional about Pornhub’s Christmas carol, in that it is going to suck hard as a song.

To be fair, I’ve only heard the brief snippet of the song made available in the teaser video, but so far I’d say it has all the earmarks of being an appropriately terribly modern Christmas song. Irritating keyboard tone? Check. Cheesy fake bell sounds? Check. Obvious, predictably porny puns and painfully cliché wordplay? Check and check again!

More than likely, nobody involved in this Pornhub publicity effort really thinks their little carol is going to catch on and become the next Rudolph the Blueballed Reindeer, or more ambitious still, something families will gather and sing around the fire while their chestnuts roast. My hunch is their hoping it will entertain a smattering of people, piss off a few others, and at the intersection of the two, stoke the viral marketing fire and draw additional some coverage from the holiday-story-hungry mainstream media.

At the end of the Christmas Day, there’s only one parody Christmas carol the world needs, and it’s not new. It says everything that needs to be said about Christmas as celebrated in the United States, and it says it all in under two minutes. It’s A Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer – and unlike the songs it skewers, it never fails to bring a smile to my face.

I would be remiss to end this article without noting that there is something I’m disappointed with Pornhub about where this Christmas carol stunt is concerned: Just like everybody else in the marketing universe, they appear to have just skipped right over Thanksgiving to dive directly into the Christmas season!

Where are the well-hung Pilgrims and scantily-clad squaw, Pornhub? You guys clearly love puns, but you couldn’t take a minute to work in something like “cornhole on the cob” to your holiday marketing and publicity strategy?

For shame, Pornhub – for buttery, gravy-laden, perfectly browned shame.

About Coleen Singer:

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen), where she often waxes eloquent about Female Friendly Porn, sex, pleasure products, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.

Visit Coleen at Sssh.com for more sex news, commentary and hot porn for women and couples!