Dirty Words: How Rob Lowe Can He Go? New Autobio “Love Life” Tells All

Actor, heartthrob and celebrity sex tape pioneer Rob Lowe is back with the second volume of his autobiography, "Love Live" (Simon & Schuster), and he's only 50 years old. He's packed a lot of living in that half-decade and he shares all the salacious details.

There are famous men of history, politics and the arts, men of religious and spiritual greatness, but few if any have one let alone two volumes of autobiography. But then none of them missed an opportunity to fuck Madonna, but made up on that misstep by fucking pretty much every other hot female on the planet.

The book is a bit schizophrenic or, more charitably, two-sided, as it's title can be read both ways. Part of the erotic memoir focuses on Lowe's wife, Sheryl Berkoff, who he married in July 1991. We learn that they met each other as early as 1983 on a blind date, then again in 1989 filming Bad Influence. The couple now have two sons and blah, blah, blah.

Now the good parts. First the lost fling with the Material Girl. According to the book, she invited him backstage after a 1984 concert. Rob liked what he saw, writing that she has "flawless skin and eyes that imparted secrets." Ah, yeah. That part was probably edited by his wife. The original text likely read more, "Her tits were like torpedos targeting my groin and exploding in my crotch with a fanfare of orgasmic pants music."

Rob is nothing if not a player, and high-stake games are his forte, so he made plans for a light-night rendezvous with the famous boy-toy, and yet when they met at a club and Madonna tried to dance with him, he demurred. What the hell does demur even mean? Once demurred, Madonna left and didn't return. Suddenly, we're not so jealous of this guy.

Okay, everyone is entitled to one bad night. Later Rob goes into detail about his goings-on at the infamous Playboy Mansion. They say there are only two givens in life: death and taxes. Well, for men there's a third: a desire to get to the Playboy Mansion sometime between those two previously mentioned events. Rob, lucky bastard, was a frequent guest.

He was riding high on the 1980s Brat Pack fame, still only 18 years old, and churning with all the hormonal energy associated with that burgeoning sexual time of life, when he made plans to meet a Playmate in the Grotto jacuzzi, site of many a sticky encounter. Only his Playmate didn't show up.

The always opportunistic actor struck up a conversation with another. The place is filthy with them. And the one he was talking with appeared happy and even eager to please. The trouble was the Grotto is dark and steamy, and Rob didn't realize the lady he expected to be his was already being had by an unnamed Hall of Fame footballer.

We're beginning to wonder about this lothario. Why didn't he just ask to join in? She does have more than a couple of holes. In fact, so does Rob. The possibilities might not be endless, but before you get to finish the calculations you wouldn't care any more.

Maybe he needs to seek help from his elders, someone older and more experience than he is, someone like Warren Beatty. Again, back in the go-go early 1980s, Beatty was partying with Lowe and his then-current girlfriend at the older star's Mulholland Drive home. Rob's gal reminded Warren "Hunklestein" Beatty of Natalie Wood. "There it is," writes Lowe, "the line that would turn any young actress into his personal concubine for life."

This book is Rob's way of passing on to us what Warren Beatty passed on to him. Remember, this is the guy who wasn't even famous when he banged Little House on the Prairie actress Melissa Gilbert, and hooked up with Nastassja Kinski when the two were filming The Hotel New Hampshire (1984). He's even stuck his scepter in royalty, having dated Princess Stephanie of Monaco in 1986. And let's not forget the sex tape.

They're making romantic comedies about couples rekindling their sexual relationships by filming themselves in flagrante, but back 1988, when Rob's sex tape controversy first raised its pretty little head in the media, these acts were considered career-ending. So, let's cut the guy a break if he's happily married and is willing to air his sexual errors as well as hits. We're just looking forward to what the next 50 years have in store for this FILF.

Buy "Love Life" by Rob Lowe