“Girlfriends Get Even 3” Presented By Gender Equality And Cunnilingus

Little did we know that the Lilly Ledbetter Act would inspire women from all walks of life to get back at their callous boyfriends by having wild flings with rockstars and construction workers and whatnot, but that's what we get for not reading between the lines or paying attention to the all-important Sick Nasty Dome clause.

Republicans were quite vocal in their opposition to the language of Sick Nasty Dome clause, the Equal Penis for Equal Work section, and especially the Fuck You, You Forgot Our Anniversary addendum, but nobody listened to them because, well, why would we? Besides, every guy in the country wants to be the tool that allows ladies to obtain the sweaty revenge they deserve; right-wing and left-wing don't matter when you're politicking with that one delightfully curved appendage in the center of your body.

Imagine being Mr. Pete, the best friend of Tiffany Fox's boyfriend, and having to deal with your homie screwing around behind her back. You'd be outraged, right? At least you would be if you were the noble (and suddenly nerdy in those thick glasses) Mr. Pete, and he expresses his distaste for the situation by sipping the sweet waters of Tiffany's twat, making her moan and gasp so the whole world can see that sweet diastema in her mouth. What is it about pornstars with a little gap between their incisors that get us so hot? The only gap Pete cares about is the one between Tiffany's legs, and he intends to fill it as fast as he can. Sure, it's good to be loyal to your homies, but jizz is thicker than water.

Brandy Aniston's boyfriend cares more about meeting his favorite rockstar, Barry Scott, than he does about her, and while she's not usually the jealous type, her strong Christian background has taught her to abhor idolatry. Rather than smash the golden calf in front of her man, she decides to suck the essence from his cock, draining him of his powers and returning alpha dog status to Brandy's bod. Or maybe she just becomes a groupie. It's hard to tell what draws them together--we suspect it's their mutual love of face piercings--but they don't split apart until Barry's fat cock has slid down her throat, up her pussy, and unloaded its white sticky riffs all over her face.

Chastity Lynn is excited for some kinky anniversary sex with her man, but he completely forgot about it, so she has to find it elsewhere. That, to us, seems perfectly reasonable; when you gird your loins for hard loving that commemorates a special--be it birthday, Labor Day, or the day you finally had a simultaneous orgasm--it hurts to not get it. Blue balls are psychosomatic and gender-neutral. Fortunately, Chastity can get Manuel Ferrara to come over so she can coax his cock from his foreskin with her tongue while he (shallowly) fingers her asshole. Whether she is or isn't down with that is besides the point. This is anniversary sex and it's time for new things in the bedroom, such as choking and Manuel and upside-down facials.

We're pretty sure "Girlfriends Get Even 3" represents a fresh wave of feminism, but we lost count and can't tell you which. Just know that it's a good wave and Simone de Beauvoir would be down with it.

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