The A10 Cyclone: The Future Of Wanking Or Ruthless Dick Blender?

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I always get excited when I get a box of sex toys from Japan. The things they do with silicone and suction are always amazing, creative, and thought-provoking, and I usually end up blowing my wad simply because the future of sex toys looks so bright. This time, I received a package that contained the A10 Cyclone and said to myself, "This looks like a wang mangler."

I know not to judge sex toys by looks alone (unless said sex toy is pointlessly adorned with a naked Asian woman standing in front of cherry blossoms) so I went ahead with the testing, and getting acquainted with the Cyclone and its numerous parts put me at ease.

The A10 Cyclone is only one of many attachments that go with the R1 Controller, a nifty iPod-looking thing that connects with toys via a tiny port and commands the vibration intensity and pattern. It comes bullet vibrator that produces a fiendishly strong buzz, and while I find it too intense for direct penis stimulation, it has enough rumble to tickle my prostate through my taint. Even my tailbone was feeling a little randy.

Moving on to the main course required the insertion of three C batteries into a fat stick connected to the Cyclone (that's in addition to the three AA batteries in the R1) as well as the application of much lubricant into the eye of the Cyclone itself. It didn't seem like such a scary beast at first: I received the Medusa Head variety of textures in my silicone cup, and I thought those silicone tendrils would wipe over my wang like a sweet, slick car wash. I should've turned the Cyclone on before inserting my penis, but I didn't.

That was a mistake.

The Cyclone lives up to its name. The toy spins at an alarming rate, even on the slowest setting, and when I first kicked it into gear I became painfully aware of the fact that some spaces between the tendrils were lubeless. I apologized to my dick, added more lube, mushed it around in there, and tried again. Instead of vibration patterns, the R1 sends the Cyclone through seven different spin cycles, but when you get down to it your options are clockwise, counter-clockwise, three spins left and three spins right, and one I like to call "Indian Rope Burn Mode."

Perhaps I would've had a better time if the cup had been larger and the gummy fingers hadn't all smashed up against my junk; perhaps the Medusa Head isn't the right texture for me; perhaps it would've been more pleasurable to warm up with a slow, lazy rotation instead of the instant shoe shining my glans received. All I know is that I never ventured beyond the second speed and my penis thanks me for that.

And though my wad remained securely in my bod, clean-up was still a big chore. The cup portion is attached to the motor by a magnet, so you don't have to worry about lugging the heavy medieval flail into a wet situation, but the Medusa Head breaks down into five smaller plastic and silicone bits that all need a good finger scrubbing to get clean. On the other hand, it's supremely easy to mix and match attachments to give yourself a customized Cyclone experience.

Even though I didn't care for the sensations that the A10 Cyclone produced--for I was not born with the desire to place my penis in a barrel and toss it over Niagara Falls--I firmly believe that others might. With the right attachments and the proper size, you may find that this powerful beast caresses your shaft and kisses your frenulum like no masturbation sleeve ever could. I still believe that companies like Rends Toys will deliver the future of wanking and I am patiently icing my loins before it gets here.

· Rends Toys (rends.jp)
· Buy R-1 and A10 Cyclone Set (toydemon.com)