Porn Valley’s Global Warming Solution: “Cum For Cover 8”

One day it'll be eighty degrees out in the dead of winter, you'll be too poor to go buy adequate sunblock, and the wisdom of Jules Jordan will rush to the front of your mind. The medical community might not agree with Jules on the UV blocking properties of jizz, but how can you take some egghead's word to heart when Sylvia Diamond is melanoma-free under the shade of five facials?

We realize that global climate change will affect many more facets of the environment besides the sun's intensity, and so do the babes and boner-wielders of "Cum for Cover 8," but they insist that semen is the solution. Rising waters threatening your town? Skeet on the levees. Sudden ice age? Insulate your windows with your DNA. Someday they hope to get a wad big enough to glaze the hole in the ozone layer, but that'd take a huge quantity of come and these girls can only jerk off four or five dicks at a time.

Actually, young Georgiana is the only gal in this movie who handle four hard-ons at once--the others each play with five--and we only see three of the gentlemen at work in these promo pictures. It's important to remember that quantity has no bearing on quality, and if Georgiana had ten dudes clamoring to shove themselves between her lips, that would only prevent us from admiring her heavy breasts as they sway from the force of the fellatio going on above. Furthermore, Georgiana starts this scene wearing a pink frilly tutu but it ends up around the waist of one of the male pornstars, so she obviously had to suck his dick twice for being such a visionary/looking so good in pink.

Kyra Banks--looking a bit like Nomi Malone in "Showgirls"--practically disappears from sight underneath all those dicks, but she surfaces from time to time to let us know that she's doing fine and would probably like a jaw massage when she's done draining five men of their matter. Kyra has a tribal tattoo on her middle finger and her stilettos say "FUCK YOU" in big block letters across her toes, and these things say more about her cock swallowing skills that any words can.

Although the box says that Olga Winter takes five dicks in her scene, we count six in some of her pictures. Perhaps one of the penises was just stopping by and didn't contribute? How rude. Anyway, we'll stop dawdling and answer your questions. Yes, those wangs disappear down Olga's throat and perch on the top of her head and nuzzle her ear lobe until she's worked every last bit of come out of them, and no, Olga isn't related to Edgar Winter.

We just now realized that "Cum for Cover 8" doesn't make much sense (we get that it's "run for cover" with cum on it, but why?) but we have other things to worry about now, like disappearing shorelines and trying to get "Frankenstein" out of our heads.

· Jules Jordan (julesjordan.com)
· "Cum for Cover 8" (store.fleshbot.com)