Phew! It’s Not “Too Big for Teens” After All

Even though the ever-vigilant Porno-Industrial Complex suggests that (it) is "Too Big for Teens," these plucky youngsters prove both resilient and accommodating.

It is whispered by Licensed Clinical Sexologists that the vagina can take penises of any size with the right amount of lubrication, but I have seen some things, Readers, that has caused me to doubt even those with such august degrees from accredited institutions.

So are we to assume that "Too Big for Teens" is going to feature Sensi Pearl, April O'Neil, Stevie Shae, Jessie Rogers, and Mae Meyers taking a gander at a cock and simply saying "I give up"?

No, nor can we assume that this movie was shot when 80 percent of this cast were actually teens.

Maybe the film should have been called "Were Most of the Cast Actually Teens, Perhaps the Cocks Would Have Been Too Big for Them, But It's OK Now."

Despite these attacks on our highly-calibrated sense of truth in advertising, I liked this movie because each of the teens was a predator. Sensi Pearl gets Alec Knight fired by her dad for fucking on his work desk ("I love big dicks," says Pearl halfway through; does this seem "Too Big for Teens"?), then Less-Attitudinal-Elizabeth-Berkeley-lookalike Jessie Rogers fucks her brother's boxing coach, Tommy Gunn, who piledrives her mercilessly.

Hardly too big for teens, there, either.

I only became concerned when wildling teen Stevie Shae went out looking for trouble on "the east side of the city" and met up with German Chris Charming in a bandanna.

"You are not some tourist, are you?" says Charming.

This was my favorite scene for several reasons. One because Shae has an adorable getting-ready-for-adventure dressing sequence, and two because I can't imagine what city Chris Charming might be a thug in. Perhaps if Werner Herzog had replaced Ice Cube in "Colors."

But the best throwaway line goes to April O'Neil, who spies garbageman Lee Stone through her window and decides to fuck him.

"I love these blue-collar jerks," she says. "They seem so hot and tired."

· Reality Junkies (realityjunkies.com)
· Buy "Too Big for Teens 9" (tlavideo.com)