Porn For Straight Girls: Sex In The Hyborian Age

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I was at a disadvantage when I watched "This Ain't Conan The Barbarian XXX," as I've never seen the original 1982 film (or the 2011 version, for that matter.) But that didn't impede my enjoyment of this, which I'm quite sure was at least true to its inspiration's campiness.

There were close to three whole minutes of plot before the sexiness started, which I think demonstrates an admirable commitment to storytelling on director Stuart Canterbury's part. We get a snippet of a fight scene, the requisite voiceover explaining that Conan's a slave/gladiator (shout-out to "Spartacus: Blood and Sand" was a nice touch) and then Jayden Cole and her not-of-the-period highlights show up to masturbate and try to convince Conan to "breed" with her. Lee Stone, who plays Conan, is definitely suitably ripped; the man's muscles make the rope-and-twigs cage he's in seem a little shortsighted on the slaveowner's part. Also, the enormous (if a bit floppy) sword he's brandishing might not be the best idea to give to the guy you're trying to hold onto against his will. But I digress.

So Jayden Cole is all, "Maybe if I flog myself with this whip that's basically an oversized tassel, Conan will do me." Conan is not down. He's wearing a diaper and swinging a sword while a sassy, unidentified black prison guard talks shit! There's too much going on for him to watch this chick get herself off! I thought Jayden was kind of hot, but Conan couldn't be bothered. Instead, he switched up his codpiece (for a giant metal horn and then a black leather cup) and was promptly freed by his Afro'd master. "Perhaps his master knew that eventually he would figure out he could murder everyone in the place," the voiceover helpfully offers. Indeed, anonymous narrator. Indeed. Or, his master was weirded out by Conan's choices in peniswear.

Conan's first speaking moment comes when he admits to Asphyxia Noir that he can't pay her for feeding and sheltering him. Typical. This is like the beginning of every Destiny's Child hit. Asphyxia thinks they can work something out, which translates to her blowing him; dubious, but okay. He goes down on her too, fortunately. They stay in character while they're fucking, too. Lee Stone is appropriately monotone grunty and keeps his massive studded cummerbund on the whole time. Asphyxia looks good in animal skin. Then her face shrivels up, she tries to stab Conan, and she disappears in a ball of fire. No, really. I think that's why they shot it in 3-D. I didn't have the 3-D version, though.

Cut to Sean Michaels in a Rick James wig (check out Gram's review for more on this) licking Hershey's syrup off a rubber dagger. Then, Tommy Gunn pops up to crack jokes about "having brains" and "being on probation." Yeah, this movie was awesomely absurd. I'm going to stop describing every hilarious moment to you, and assure you that there are so many more, this review could go on for days. It's funny, has an appropriately sweeping soundtrack, is a little bit meta, and features Sean Michaels in a Rick James wig. The ladies all look like they love being there (Asphyxia, Jayden, Brandy Aniston, Jazy Berlin, and Missy Maze) and the men look thrilled that they get to play with fake swords. The plot is pretty decent, and the production values are on par with, um, let's say that Power Rangers movie with Ivan Ooze. So pretty high, for porn! You'll laugh, you'll come, and you might even be inspired to do a little barbarian/demon girl roleplay of your own.

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Previously: Porn For Straight Girls Archive