Could There Be More Sex Tapes Like Marilyn Monroe’s?

July 22, 2011
OTTIMO-MASSIMO

People complain about today's celebrities being too eager to film themselves having sex, but it's not like postmodern man invented the embarrassing sex tape! Another (alleged) Marilyn Monroe tape is being auctioned off in Buenos Aires, and we're starting to think that there are other vintage celebrity smut reels lying around.

Monroe currently has two tapes floating around that allegedly show her doing naughty things. One of them is a fifteen-minute film of Monroe blowing some random guy (which J. Edgar Hoover confiscated to use against the Kennedys, somehow) and this latest one is six minutes of a Norma Jeane Baker-looking gal masturbating and having sex. So take that, celebrities of today, Monroe had two and most of you only have one (unless you're Tila Tequila, but that doesn't count because those are fake).

We're just going to assume that Monroe isn't a statistical anomaly, and that there are many more tapes out there from famous dead celebrities we have yet to see. We're keeping our fingers crossed for the following...

· Via AVN.com (business.avn.com)
Audrey Hepburn
We were almost going to say Katherine Hepburn for a second, but we decided against it on the grounds that Katherine's voice scares us and life hasn't been the same since we watched "Suddenly, Last Summer." Anyway, back to Audrey.

While she was filming "Roman Holiday," there were rumors flying around that she and co-star Gregory Peck were romantically involved. She responded, "Actually, you have to be a little bit in love with your leading man and vice versa. If you're going to portray love, you have to feel it. You can't do it any other way. But you don't carry it beyond the set." That clearly means they had sex in Rome, perhaps on the set, probably when the cameras were rolling.

If there isn't any Hepburn porn to be found, you can always watch porn in which Zoe Voss has short hair. Just squint a little!

Vivien Leigh
Somehow, an English actress born in India was able to play two of the most iconographic southern belles in all of theatrical history: Scarlett O'Hara and Blanche DuBois. That doesn't have a whole lot of bearing on whether or not she ever filmed herself having sex, but it does let you know that you shouldn't underestimate Vivien Leigh. And did we mention that she's freaking gorgeous? We should've.

Also, when she was with The Right Honourable Laurence Olivier (between 1940 and 1960), there was a period when they were living together but not officially separated from their respective spouses. The motion picture industry had them keep their relationship hush-hush, and we suspect it was during that time that Olivier and Leigh made a naughty sex tape. You know, to get back at those tightwads in the industry.

[Picture via Wikipedia (en.wikipedia.org)]
Ingrid Bergman
Bergman is ranked as the fourth greatest female star of American cinema of all time by the American Film Institute, falling just behind the two Hepburns and Bette Davis, but she was momentarily hated by the entertainment industry for having an affair with Italian neorealist director Roberto Rossellini. Ed Sullivan wouldn't have her on his show, she was denounced on the floor of the United States Senate, but eventually, people started sticking up for her. Point is: she doesn't care what people think about her personal life.

On the off chance that Bergman didn't make a dirty movie with Rossellini, we still bet something happened between her and Humphrey Bogart. You saw, "Casablanca," right? Remember when those two are in Sam's room, and they kiss, and then it cuts to the window and a picture of a big ol' lighthouse? That's pretty much a sex tape in our book.

[Picture via Pics-Celeb (pics-celeb.com)]
Mata Hari
She was a dancer, courtesan, possible spy, and the archetypal femme fatale; there has to be a Mata Hari sex tape somewhere. Ok, so video recording equipment wasn't exactly easy to come by back then, but if there isn't a hardcore Kinetoscope of Mata Hari available, then maybe there's a video of the woman who potrayed her in 1931, Greta Garbo.

[Picture via Wikipedia (en.wikipedia.org)]

Elvis
Obviously we want to see the Elvis-Priscilla honeymoon tape. Their Palm Springs "Honeymoon House" was the hippest, most futuristic abode around back then, so there must've been some high quality cameras lying around. Maybe a security system even! The idea that no one ever took footage of the famous pelvis doing its thing is simply too sad to bear.