Five Females Who Deserve Fleshlights

If you haven't heard, there's a bit of buzz brewing on Twitter about getting Fleshlight to make a Camille Crimson mold, and we think that's a fantastic idea. Get that woman some plaster, stat! And while we're at it, here are some other ladies who deserve their orifices commemorated.

And we sincerely hope that no one is offended by the idea that we want to make squishy copies of various lady parts—we mean it in the nicest, sincerest, and least "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" way. Not only does it give the models a nice little bit of pocket change, it also signifies that these women are so beautiful, sexy, and talented that they are already embedded in the banks of masturbatory memory. Having a Fleshlight based on your body is like having a statue of your likeness erected in the town square except you don't have to worry about pigeons making you look bad.

Anyway, the point is that we dearly hope Camille gets the Fleshlight she deserves, and when the company starts selling out of her cyberskin mouth mold, we hope they listen to some of our other ideas...

Gianna Michaels
As we learned when we talked with her back in January, Gianna Michaels is not retired. Still, we feel like we haven't been seeing enough of her this year; she's only appeared in three or four films, and that's not nearly enough to give us our Gianna fix. Maybe she's taking things slowly at the moment, but the Gianna we know is one of the wildest and fan-friendliest performers around, and we feel like she'd love having her body parts passed around for all her admirers. And then perhaps Gianna would start making more films! After all, nothing gives your career a kick like having Fleshlight pimp your plastic pussy.

Possible Signature Texture: Dick's Drive-In
Little known fact: Gianna's first job was at Dick's Drive-In in Seattle. To celebrate this good proletariat's lifetime of work, Fleshlight should produce a super-tight version of their Forbidden (anal) texture that comes with some extra cushion on the outside. What does Gianna's big ass have to do with working at a diner? Absolutely nothing, but we couldn't ignore the name of that place.

[Photo via Jelena Jensen (gals.jelenajensen.com)]
Jada Fire
The fact that Misty Stone is the only black Fleshlight Girl is silly to us, but there are a lot of other, sexier reasons why we want a Jada Fire Fleshlight. She's an AVN Hall of Famer and an XRCO Hall of Famer, and she shows up in everything from parodies to super sadistic Evil Angel productions. Most importantly, she's a powerful squirter, which leads us to her signature texture...

Possible Signature Texture: The Fire Hose
Say hello to the world's first squirting Fleshlight! Yes, it might take some engineering to pull it off, but imagine how big this will be! A fake vagina that not only reacts to your cock, but has an explosive orgasm (when you squeeze the right spot, that is). And if you're not in the mood to be pelted with imitation ejaculate, you can give it a light squeeze and deliver extra lubricant to the inside of your sleeve. Brilliant, right?

[Photo via Jenna Haze (promo.premiumpass.com)]

Sora Aoi
We've long been fascinated with Sora Aoi, the Japanese AV Idol who seems to constantly motivate men to break the law in order to ogle her. First, her Twitter account caused a bunch of her Chinese fans to bypass their country's strict firewall. Then filmmakers in Indonesia brought her to Jakarta to make horror b-movies—even though Islamic vigilantes threatened the producers with bodily harm and death. This makes us wonder how Fleshlight sells in foreign markets...

Possible Signature Texture: Sora Uncensored
The funny thing about making a plaster cast of an AV Idol's vagina is that Japanese pornmakers often censor male and female genitals, and so for many consumers, this could be the first time they get to see a detailed view of her pussy. That makes the Sora Aoi Fleshlight even more special! As far as texture goes, we're envisioning something like Jenna Haze's Maze texture, but halfway into the sleeve, it becomes the Lotus.

[Photo via JHeat (jheat.com)]
Mary Louise Parker
If you think we should've gone with a "True Blood"-related Fleshlight, we've already prepared a response.

A) There's already been a Fleshlight with vampire teeth, although that doesn't really matter because
B) Anna Paquin is a fairy, and
C) We've decided that she doesn't get a Fleshlight because fairy vaginas are not remarkable.

And we have to go with Mary Louise Parker because she's so incredibly MILFy all the time, and if Lisa Ann is becoming a Fleshlight Girl, then gosh darnit, so should Mary Louise.

Possible Signature Texture: Botwin Booty
We stopped paying attention to the plot of "Weeds" long ago, and the only reason we watch is in the hopes that Mary Louise Parker will show skin and/or have sex. We're pretty sure many people would agree with us! Anyhow, the Botwin Booty would essentially be a normal vagina Fleshlight, except it would somehow reach up and pull your hair while you use it. Nancy Botwin takes no prisoners.

[Photo via Esquire (esquire.com)]
Ro Laren
We thought we should throw in a Fleshlight for a non-human female because we liked the "This Ain't Avatar XXX" Alien Fleshlight so much. With that in mind, we suggest that Fleshlight teams up with Sam Hain and New Sensations to make a sleeve for "Star Trek: The Next Generation—A XXX Parody."

Possible Signature Texture: Ensign Ro
The sexy Bajoran, Ro Laren, was only around for eight episodes of "The Next Generation," but she made a splash big enough to be played by Dana DeArmond in the parody. This Fleshlight's outer part will be molded from Dana DeArmond's body, and the inside will be ridged just like the bridge of Ro's nose. No, it's not quite as bumpy as a Klingon forehead, but it'll get the job done. Trekkies and Dana DeArmond fans will go crazy for this one.

[Photo of Dana DeArmond as Ensign Ro by Jeff Koga (kogafoto.com)]