Porn For Straight Girls: Elvis? He’s Really Nothing But A Hounddog

If you like parody but you're tired of it being limited to television shows and recent blockbuster movies, then you'll probably love "Elvis XXX: A Porn Parody." You'll also love it if you want PBS documentaries combined with sex tapes.

I like parody porn. I think it's a great concept. Who hasn't watched a movie and wished there were more sex scenes? Or read about a celebrity's life and fantasized about having a window into his or her personal life? The problem is, parody porn is often ridiculous, boring, or just not sexy. The idea of taking someone who is already a sex symbol—and Elvis is, no doubt about it, even if he got fat later—and making a porno version of their life seems like a pretty logical leap. And it's at least a little different and stands out from the typical, "This Ain't [insert any sitcom name here] XXX."

I don't think that J. Jay was the best choice for the King of Rock and Roll, but he does an adequate job. He's certainly enthusiastic about it, throwing himself into his euphemism-strewn musical numbers with gusto. (I think he's dubbed.) As far as the actual sex goes, though, I would have liked someone a little more aggressive in the role. You'd think that embodying Elvis would give a person serious confidence and center-stage charisma, but he sort of faded into the background when everyone else showed up. Dale DaBone shows up to play the older Elvis, and he has a lot more presence, but I felt like his scene was also a bit disappointing (a threesome with his driver (Alec Knight) and a faux-Marilyn Monroe (Codi Carmichael), since Elvis was unaware Marilyn had died, and was insistent that she come to his hotel.)

It's all the other players in this raunchy rewrite of Hollywood history that really make the film so entertaining to watch, and the fucking super hot. Lexi Belle is absolutely delightful as Ann-Margret. There's no other way to describe her. She saunters onstage, cute as a button and twice as fuckable, in this adorable red turtleneck and tights, with cat-eye liner and tousled hair. Her song-and-dance sex kitten routine with Elvis results in her tights being ripped wide open. She pouts, she breathily moans that she's going to come, and she bats her eyelashes as she sucks Elvis off. So fun to watch.

The next scene is pretty much the best reason to buy this movie ever, in which James Deen plays James Dean in "Rebel Without A Cause," beginning with James rehearsing the line, "You're tearing me apart!" He then informs Natalie Wood, played by Jessi Palmer, that he's using his hands to "emote." After which they rehearse their kissing scene, in which the dialogue is not in any way like what I remember. They do a great job of parroting Jim Stark and Judy's monotone detachment, even as they're reciting much raunchier lines than were in the actual movie. And of course, the sex is amazing, as it pretty much always is with James Deen involved. Full disclosure: "Rebel Without A Cause" is one of my favorite movies of all time, and even if they did a terrible job I probably would have loved any attempt to parody it. However, my praise is genuine. And James keeps the red jacket on the whole time.

We get a wedding night with Priscilla (Andy San Dimas), who moans things like, "Oh my word!" and keeps her white stockings on. Asa Akira and Jessica Bangkok are a gift from Elvis to Muhammad Ali (Tyler Knight) for giving him a bad luck robe before a fight. Ron Jeremy makes a hilarious cameo as "Melvis Presley," Elvis' second cousin thrice removed. All great, but those first two scenes are the best.

I retract my earlier PBS documentary comparison. This is more like a VH1 documentary. PBS is too serious and VH1 would totally do a "Secret Sex Lives of '50s Stars" thing. I think this is funny, intelligent, and exceptionally sexy mainstream porn. There's plenty of male and female eye candy, lots of blowjobs and cunnilingus, a ton of announced female orgasms to go with the usual plethora of cumshots, and the bare-bones plot is entertaining and not too distracting. I love that they took a different approach to parody porn with the whole "mockumentary" thing, and didn't do it too obnoxiously or try to modernize it excessively. I don't fully understand why, but this movie gave me serious warm fuzzies. And that's impressive, to say the least.

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