“The Human Sexipede” Shocks, Awes, And Arouses

You may think that "The Human Sexipede" is an abomination. Or you may think it's the greatest idea Porn Valley's ever had. Chances are, you want to see it—which is just what Tom Byron Pictures is counting on.

But "The Human Sexipede" doesn't rest on its laurels and let the hype do the work. No, Tom Byron Pictures and writer/director Lee Roy Myers went the extra mile here, delivering a film that's funny, sexy, and gorgeous to look at (and, okay, just the right amount of perverse).

It's clear from the get go that everyone involved with this project actually wanted to be here; unlike certain productions we could name, no one here seems like they're phoning it in. The film's got great dialogue that's well delivered by its cast—and, in an act of true porno magic, everyone manages to stay in character throughout their sex scenes. Tom Byron even manages to maintain a German accent while coming. That, people, is what we call dedication.

But how does the story of a mad scientist bent on connecting three tourists via their gastrointestinal tracts translate into a porn? Allow me to explain.

First and foremost, it's important to remember that this film is, as director Lee Roy Myers says, a "true parody"—meaning it's supposed to be funny, and not just a porno riff on pop culture. At no point are we expected to be shocked, horrified, or grossed out: rather, we're supposed to be amused (and turned on!) by the tale of a mad German sexual scientist (and former mad sex educator) who wants to create a being that endlessly experiences sexual pleasure by connecting three people, mouth-to-genitals, immediately post coitus.

Our story begins with horny tourists Sunny Lane and Danica Dillan at the Hasselhoff Hotel, desperately wondering how they'll ever find a partner capable of satisfying their endless sexual desires. After temporarily sating each other, they turn to the online personals—Woernerslist, AdolfMadison.com, JudenDate, AdultFriendSchtupper—in search of a man who can fulfill their needs. And that, of course, is how they find their way to Dr. Heiter, played by the one and only Tom Byron.

Though Sunny and Danica are initially put off by Dr. Heiter's demeanor, he assures them that he can party with the best of them—that he is, in fact, so dirty that the girls from "Two Girls, One Cup" have to videotape their reactions when they watch him (a line I am so going to have to steal). After explaining his intentions (and introducing him to the third member of their party, Katsuro—played by Keni Styles), the good doctors offers insight into why, exactly, he's motivated to turn them into a mutant orgasmatron: he, too, understands the desire to live in a state of constant orgasm. As evidence, we're given a flashback to a scene of him with former girlfriend Amber Rayne—and may I just say, the phenomenal dirty talk and amazing energy of this scene would probably be enough to convince anyone to give into Dr. Heiter's plans.

As the group mulls over the proposition, Dr. Heiter explains that he knows what he's doing here. He's conducted this experiment on dogs, rabbits, even humans—though he did run into some issues with that last one. What went wrong, you ask? We're given a peek into the process with a BBG scene featuring Evan Stone, Jordan Ash, and Jynx Maze fucking like they've never fucked before (a process that involves a good deal of frenzied fingercuffs action—you know, if you're into that). After a rousing round of explosive orgasms, Dr. Heiter goes to make the connection between the three—only to realize he's missing one important component.

But, of course, that won't happen this time. As Danica mulls over the possibility, she offers up this wonderful gem: "My whole life will be lived as a mutant—but I'll get to come all the time. So that's pretty cool." Katsuro, however, isn't convinced—until Dr. Heiter reminds him why he came here in the first place. Sure, his sex life with girlfriend Kaci Starr was great (as a delicious scene illustrates for us), but after all the orgasms are said and done, who's itching to go for another ride, and who just wants to take in some touristy sights?

And thus we arrive at the film's conclusion, which, yes, gives us a threesome featuring Danica, Sunny, and Keni that results in the realization of the world's greatest scientific achievement. Does the film dwell on the aftermath of this melding of the mouths and genitals? Does it force us to ponder the reality of the abomination that is this sexipede? Don't be silly. This is a porn parody, people—if you want that kind of seriousness, well, just go rent "The Human Centipede."

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