Bodies In The Sand: How To Have Sex On The Beach

It's Independence Day weekend, and America is turning 234 years old on Sunday! You should celebrate this old, old birthday with one of the oldest sexual fantasies of all time: having sex on the beach.

Stifle those immature giggles and put away the peach schnapps, because we're serious this time. Millions of Americans will find themselves at some beach this weekend, and millions of Americans will be (or currently are) painfully horny. Coincidence? Nope. You don't have to pay for a seedy seaside motel to satisfy your urges, you just need the right equipment, a bit of luck, and the ability to watch out for 5-0 while you get your freak on.

But we should take this slowly. There are as many reasons to have sex on the beach as there are reasons to never have sex on the beach, and as with all public sex endeavors, it's up to you to make the ultimate risk-benefit analysis. Let's borrow a page from driver's ed and try to scare you first.

Please, Please Don't Have Sex On The Beach: Beaches are dirty, crowded, and protected by police. As the L.A. Times said, (and yeah, Cracked said it, too) the sand is teeming with bacteria, so even if you find sand that doesn't burn or scratch, there's a good chance it'll still pass you some E. coli. Furthermore, finding privacy is a complete crapshoot, and public indecency laws can be really harsh in some states. Beach sex is almost guaranteed to result in some form of pain—visceral or legal.

But Who Cares? It's Sex On The Beach!: Yeah! We're not the first website to talk about the dangers of beach sex, but we're one of the few shameless enough to help you with this gritty task. And if you pull it off right, you'll feel like you just purchased your own, private, sexy island.

Pack Your Bags: The idea of spontaneous sex on the beach sounds great, but you'll be much happier if you prepare a few items. Most of these are normal beach-going goods, but it never hurts to be reminded.

Blanket/beach towel: Bring at least two, maybe three. Not only will they reduce the amount of sand you come in contact with, but you can also hide yourselves (from the sun and/or prying eyes) and roll them up like pillows.

Protection: Always use protection, duh. We're not just talking condoms; don't forget about sunblock. If you have enough time and privacy for some marathon beach sex, you want it to be a cherished memory. You do not want to regret it a couple hours later when you're slathering up with aloe vera. Even if you're looking to multitask and work out those tan lines while you work out your partner, it's good to have some nearby.

Baby wipes: Things will get sandy, dusty, and dirty. As refreshing as it is to hop in the ocean after a robust fuck, you may want a little extra cleanliness without caking salt to your body. Bring a pack of disposable wipes, and also bring a…

Trash bag: Just a little plastic bag for your baby wipes, condoms, whatever. There's nothing sexier than environmental consciousness.

Searching For The Sweet Spot: This is perhaps the trickiest part of beach sex. Some people automatically assume that nudist beaches are easy places to have sex; that is incorrect. The International Naturist Federation has strict nude beach etiquette that prohibits any sexual activity. Furthermore, nude beaches often cater to families, and you need to keep your antics away from the kids.

So how do you find privacy? You can go around some rocks, look for a stretch of sand that's protected from high surf, and hope for the best. Sure, sand that doesn't get frequently flushed out by water may contain higher bacteria concentrations (not to mention sand-burrowing bugs), but it's the best you can hope for. Just get as far away from people as possible. If it's really an issue, try having sex on the beach at night!

Have Sex: You know how to have sex. But just for giggles, here are some extra ideas for feeling beachy keen.

"Rub me, won't you, darling?" How do you get in the mood and protect your loved one from melanoma at the same time? Sunscreen massage! Slowly untie those bikini straps, squirt a healthy splash of lotion in your hands, and go to work. And ladies: applying sunscreen to your partner's body with your breasts is the purest form of love.

Keep it cool: Leave the soda at home and pack your cooler full of sex toys and ice. Refreshment comes in many forms.

Playful positions: Doggie style sex is a grand way to reduce contact with sand, and if you're on the West Coast, you can fuck while watching the sunset into the water! Romantic, right? Although we've been bashing sand this whole time, it does provide the unique opportunity of being able to shape your sexual surface. If you want a better angle of attack on your partner's abdomen, just dig under your blanket until you get it right.

Sure there are some risks involved, but it is possible to have invigorating and fulfilling sex on the beach, and yes, you can even do it this weekend! Maybe you're miles and miles away from the beach: just buy a bag of sand at Home Depot, throw it around the living room, and greet your baby at the door with a tropical drink in each hand. Isn't this what America is all about? You should have the freedom and the ability to fuck from sea to shining sea—even if one of those seas is just the kiddie pool in your garage.

· Cover photo by John B. Root (rebootcash.com)