“This Ain’t Star Trek XXX 2”: The Fleshbot/io9 Review

Given how much we both love all things sexy and nerdy, well, Hustler's second "Star Trek" porn just seemed like a perfect opportunity for Fleshbot and io9 to team up for a joint review.

Lux: For those of you mostly interested in the sex part of this sexy, sexy movie, you've come to the right place (to skip to the io9 take, click here; and if you'd like to just look at hot naked pornstars doing it (in space!), click here).

Hustler's original "Star Trek" porn parody set the bar pretty high, and I was a little worried that the sequel wouldn't be able to live up to its predecessor. Let's face it: it's hard to compete with a movie featuring Jada Fire, Sasha Grey, Aurora Snow, and Jenna Haze—but "Star Trek 2" handles the task fairly well, with a capable cast (wo)manning the ship this time around (and extra special standout performers Kimberly Kane, Alexis Texas, and Jada really winning us over).

While "Star Trek XXX 1" kept the performers shipbound in a Khan-inspired plot, "Star Trek XXX 2" takes them off ship and onto the planet of the butterfly women (and, in a strange time travel twist, into JFK's office the day before he heads to Dallas). The away mission allows director Axel Braun to really flex his parody muscles—we gotta give him extra points for the cheesy "alien planet" set (is that a seam we see in the backdrop?) and the glitterified looks of the butterfly women.

And, of course, it offers the opportunity for some awesome alien sex. Most of the male crew members get to experience the "information extraction" techniques of the butterfly women: Spock finds himself double teamed by Madison Scott and Kagney Linn Karter, Sulu (played by Crush Object Keni Styles!) and Chekhov get worked over by Jennifer Dark, and Kirk gets to mate with Butterfly Queen Kimberly Kane (more on that later). Bones, regrettably, has to sit this one out in the corner (literally).

But don't think there's nothing going on back on the ship: Uhura—who took on Kirk and Spock last time around—gets to experience the Scottish side of things this time around, in a tryst with Scotty. Yes, after his non-sex turn last time around, Anthony Rosano gets to strut his stuff (and then some) in this edition of "Star Trek." I, for one, am truly grateful (but then I have a thing for Anthony Rosano).

Additionally, there's a strange scene of Marilyn Monroe (Alexis Texas) and JFK (Johnny Castle) get it on in the Oval Office while Sulu and Chekhov watch. No, I don't get it either, but I do love Alexis Texas, and seeing her in full on Marilyn get up is a real treat. (Note to Hustler: please consider releasing "Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Marilyn Monroe" at some point in the future.)

But above all, it's Kimberly Kane and Evan Stone who really make this release worth watching. The Kirk/alien queen pairing makes sense, and both Kimberly and Evan really get into their characters (if you know what I mean). And, most of all, they're both skilled performers who are always a delight to watch—which, of course, is the most important thing in any porn release, parody or not.

And now, for those of you dying to know how io9 felt, here's Charlie Jane:

Charlie Jane: The second Star Trek porno spoof definitely ratchets up the "spoof" levels in some impressive ways. Just in the first few minutes, you get a very affectionate tribute to the original series' banter on the bridge between Kirk, Spock and McCoy. And then we actually beam down to a planet—a planet!—with a fake reddish backdrop, that looks suspiciously like the planet where Kirk and Abraham Lincoln had to fight a topiary. And then there's a very Shatnerian (Shatneresque?) fight scene against two masked figures. And then our heroes are taken prisoner in an Ominous Dungeon. Several minutes in, there's been no sex yet, but we've run through a whole slew of Star Trek cliches, rendered with extreme affection.

The actual aliens are pretty hilarious. They're all women, natch, and there's a lot of great glittery eye make-up. My favorite is probably the two ladies who take on Mr. Spock—they start out as two of those masked creatures that accosted Kirk, but then they strip down to silver bikinis and cardboard butterfly wings. AWESOME! Anyway, the aliens are capturing human men and siphoning off their intelligence by having sex with them. Like one does. (On the minus side, there's no Sasha Gray Vulcan this time around.)

Is it a funny spoof? Occasionally. Like when Sulu and Chekov walk in on Scotty having sex with Uhura on duty. Scotty says, "Take it easy, lads—the ship's running on full impulse power." To which Chekov replies, "Apparently."

I still don't know why Chekov and Sulu beamed down by accidentally into the Oval Office in the early 1960s, so they can spy on a sex scene between JFK and Marilyn Monroe. But I'm willing to run with it. Oh, and Keni Styles is great as the new Sulu—he actually manages to copy George Takei's stentorian baritone in a few scenes.

You know, I think I've identified the central problem with Star Trek porn: Trek, as a series, is so much about the dudes. And men in porn aren't usually that attractive to me. There aren't really that many male porn actors who have nice faces, or who seem to have appealing personalities. The women in porn often seem more attractive, and also more likable, than the men. But there are almost no roles for women in Trek—maybe the answer is to bring together all the different series? Nina Hartley could be Katherine Janeway! You could have Kira and Seven of Nine!

Actually, the thing I loved about original Trek was the weird scenes where women try to seduce Kirk while wearing silvery spangled bikini outfits, with tons of vaseline smeared on the lens. If someone dared to make a Trek porn video with an oily lens (or, you know, they could smear KY Jelly on the lens too) it would be the greatest thing ever. And they should also shine a huge stripe of light across the eyes of the women and whoever plays Captain Kirk. Come on, pornographers! I know you have it in you!

Actually, "This Ain't Star Trek 2 XXX" really wins me over in the end, when the queen of the alien race wants Captain Kirk to be her consort. And his sexual prowess is so great that she's completely stupefied and entranced, so much so that he tricks her into giving him the launch codes to her private spaceship, so the imprisoned Enterprise crewmembers can all escape. It's a very Shatnerian moment, and exactly what you sense Shatner's Kirk would have done in such a no-win scenario.

All in all, This Ain't Star Trek 2 XXX does an amazing job paying homage to the original series and all its quirks. Once or twice, it's laugh-out-loud funny, and the "alien women in shiny outfits capture the Enterprise crew" scenario does feel like something the original series would have done. Still, I'm left wondering if Hustler couldn't have done something more to capture the blowsy sexiness, as well as the camp, of the original Trek.

· Buy "This Ain't Star Trek XXX 2" (tlavideo.com)
· Hustler Video (hustlervideo.com)