How To Be A Dirty Perv In The Digital Age (And Not Get Caught)

If you're human (and we're willing to bet you are), then chances are good that you've got a sex drive. And if you're reading this post, chances are also good that you like to use the internet.

On their own, those two things are relatively innocuous—but mix them together, and you've got a dangerous cocktail just waiting to blow up in your face. Yes, even though we all know that each and every one of us has our own dirty proclivities, we're shocked and bothered by the actual evidence of that fact. And if you happen to conduct your sexy business online, well...you're leaving a whole lot of evidence.

And as our lives get more and more wired, this little issue of a lack of privacy is bound to get even more pressing—at least for those of us who want to explore our sexual identities online, in email, and, yes, even in sext. So how's a person to live out their sexual fantasies...without seeing their exploits on Gawker the next morning?

Protecting Your Files: You probably have porn on your computer. Maybe it's porn of other people, maybe it's porn of you. Either way, you probably don't want random people (or even not random people, like your family members) stumbling upon your dirty pictures collection. So how can you keep them safe?

Our friend at Gizmodo have a pretty thorough explanation of the topic. In short, you have three options:

Obfuscation. Protect your files by hiding them: the old "Business" folder that's not exactly safe for work, or hardcore files with innocent names. Of course, a dedicated detective (or the, uh, porn detection stick) could probably make short shrift of your efforts, so it's not the best method if you're actually concerned.

Encryption. Actually worried that someone's digging deep into your files? A better bet is to password protect them (ideally with something more solid that pass123).

Of course, while this might keep most snoopers out, it won't keep everyone away from your files. If, for instance, you've taken your computer in to be repaired, and you've given the shop your admin password (so they can, you know, fix your computer), they could be able to unlock your files as well. Sure, it may sound unlikely, but that's how the Miss Universe threeway got leaked to the internet. Which brings us to the best way of protecting your files:

Liquidation. If it's not on your computer, no one can find it—not even the sneakiest of computer repair people. While that might not be the most workable solution one hundred percent of the time (you need somewhere to keep your home porn, right?), it's the only way to be totally certain that prying eyes won't find your stash.

Of course, even if you don't have any naughty files on your harddrive, that doesn't necessarily mean you haven't left any incriminating tracks. Which brings us to the second half of our discussion:

Covering your tracks online. For this portion, we turn you over to our friends at Lifehacker, who have a very detailed guide to covering your tracks online.

You may already be familiar with your browser's private (or "porn") mode, which purports to keep your online activity between you, yourself, and, uh, you. However, even with your private mode, there are a few traces of your journey left behind in the form of flash cookies and DNS entries (which we'll let Lifehacker explain how to clear.

But, of course, all the cleared cookies and erased histories won't get rid of that naked picture you posted on Adult Friend Finder. Which brings us to the last part of our discussion:

Getting sexy while staying anonymous. Now, if you're taking naked pictures of yourself, and sending out dirty texts, and chatting up a storm on that dirty message board, you are, ultimately, creating evidence that could one day be used against you. Then again, is a life without sexting really a life worth living?

Luckily, there are a few things you can do to mitigate your chances of getting exposed. For instance:

Keep your photos anonymous. Don't want anyone to match that naked body to you? Keep your head out of the photo (and try to cover up any identifying marks). It's not foolproof—but it's always harder to identify a headless body. The same goes for photos on "adult" personal profiles. While the world at large may have (mostly) accepted online dating as a normal part of life, the same isn't always the case for the more unusual (or explicit) match sites. If you're concerned about your mother, your boss, or whoever finding out about your felching fetish...it's best to make sure that they'll never recognize that it's you.

Keep your identity anonymous. With the rise of Facebook, there's been added pressure to conduct one's online affairs under one's legal name. Which is all well and good...unless your online affairs include a membership in a BDSM society you'd rather not have pop up when future employers google your name. Kink aficionados have long made use of "scene" names—even if your sexual proclivities are more of the vanilla variety, it's best to follow their example when you're acting out your fantasies online.

If you're super paranoid (or just very interested in staying private), you might want to think about blocking your IP. While you can't keep yourself from being logged by whatever site you're accessing, you can use a proxy to make sure the IP that gets logged isn't your own.

Encrypt your email. Sending dirty emails is fun—unless they get intercepted in transit. Want to protect what you send? Try PGP encryption. Of course, if the recipient of your email decides to spread the unencrypted version around, you could find yourself in a bit of trouble, which is why you should:

Be careful who you include in your exploits. As with any information exchange, trust is the name of the game—and your privacy is only as secure as the people you trust it with. Sending full on naked photos to random strangers on the internet may be fun, but it's probably not the best way to keep them safe and secure. (And, of course, there's always the chance that your super wonderful significant other may one day turn out to be a hated ex—but that's another concern entirely.) And, lastly:

Remember that if you put it out there, it can be recorded. You may have deleted your naughty posts from your blog, or danced naked on a livestream that's not available for download; but if you do something that appears on someone else's computer screen, they can screencap it, vidcap it, and just plain copy it—so make sure you're taking whatever steps you deem necessary to protect your identity if your exploits end up leaked to the public.

And last, but not least, we can always:

Pray for a less Puritan society. Yes, it sucks that one can't be a dirty, dirty perv without the fear of being exposed, shamed, and publicly humiliated. But remember: the humiliation is only as severe as our society makes it. The more we accept that naked photos (and, ahem, sex) are just an ordinary part of life, the less shameful—and shocking—it is to have your secret proclivities exposed. (Look at the French! Their first lady is naked on the internet, and they couldn't care less.)

Granted, that idyllic future may be far off...but we can hope, right? And in the meantime...well, you can bet we'll be in permanent private browsing mode (and, ahem, wiping our harddrive before we take the computer to be fixed).

· Photo by Didier Carre (newnudecash.com)