Santa Claus Is The Best Pornstar Ever: A Study

If you were a mythical being who snuck into houses at night with an infinite bag of goodies, you'd probably get laid all the time. Here are some films that teach us about the true meaning of XXX-mas.

It'd be too easy to brush off sexual Santa flicks as an easy way to cash in on the holiday season; this definitely goes deeper than economics. Santa Claus is the Übermensch of porn, he's one of the few magical beings we feel comfortable with in our home, and he only gets one night per year to party. As these films will show, Santa's lap isn't just a place where wishes come true, it's a seat of power.

Miracle On 69th Street
This time, Kris Kringle isn't worried about making amends between rival department stores or proving that he really is Santa Claus. He's just trying to stuff some stockings, and move to the next town.
Moral of the story: Santa is not a one woman man, even Mrs. Claus knows that.
· Buy "Miracle On 69th Street" (gamelink.com)

All I Want For Christmas Is A Gang Bang
This memorable gangbang flick from the early '90s isn't holding up the Santa-is-real charade. Ron Jeremy and eight other Salvation Army volunteers take a break from asking for donations to go ring bells in the mall. Kerri Downs and Annabel Chong can't spare any money, but they figure the Santas deserved something for their hard work.
Moral of the story: Even if Santa Claus isn't real, his image is so powerful that it commands loose women to share their bodies with any guy wearing red velvet and a beard.
· Buy "All I Want For Christmas Is A Gang Bang" (gamelink.com)

Private Black Label 48: Sexy Santa
So, as it turns out, there's not just one plump, jolly, old Santa, but many young, voluptuous, seductive female Santas. If you're naughty, they hold you prisoner and taunt you with their nudity and masturbation. If you're nice, they sneak into your bed at night—whether or not there's someone already with you, like your wife—and fuck you senseless.
Moral of the story: It doesn't matter if you're naughty or nice, everyone deserves something special for Christmas.
· Buy "Private Black Label 48: Sexy Santa" (gamelink.com)

Santa's Itty Bitty Titty Helpers
Christmas isn't just about getting new things, it's about appreciating what you already have. When women wish for larger, fuller, bouncier boobs, Santa feels obligated to hop off the sleigh and declare his love for petite tits. And to make sure his message is clear, he will also have sex with the women.
Moral of the story: People don't always get what they want for Christmas, but Santa does.
· Buy "Santa's Itty Bitty Titty Helpers" (gamelink.com)

Yo Yo Yo: A Very Black Christmas Tale
Here's the description gamelink.com provides: "This is a very black Christmas tale. Have you been dreaming of a bad Christmas? And when I said bad, I mean good. Well, here it is. Rudolph's hot nose will lead us from one smoking scene to the next."
Moral of the story: Rudolph is our favorite reindeer.
· Buy "Yo Yo Yo: A Very Black Christmas Tale" (gamelink.com)

Hustler's Barely Legal - The Bitch That Stole Christmas
Santa's just trying to get work done, but all the women at the North Pole are on his jock. Ashli Orion, Tori Black, Audrey Hollander, and Tiffany Price decide to steal the Christmas cheer and use it for an all-out fuckfest. Santa's doesn't stand for that; if there's going to be a pile of squirming nakedness on the workshop floor, he's going to be king of the heap.
Moral of the story: Santa Claus, like the moon, has an inescapable tidal pull on women that not even he can ignore. Also, he gives the elves sloppy seconds.
· Buy "Hustler's Barely Legal - The Bitch That Stole Christmas" (gamelink.com)

The Tits That Saved XXX-Mas
It's sort of the inverse of "The Bitch That Stole Christmas," in that tits are part of the solution, not the problem. When Christmas is in danger of being cancelled, Mrs. Claus (Ava Devine) deputizes her special helpers to lift Mr. Claus' spirits. And they do just that.
Moral of the story: Santa knows how to pick his women; Mrs. Claus is down for whatever.
· Buy "The Tits That Saved XXX-Mas" (gamelink.com)

Santa's Revenge
We're not really sure what this one is about. We assume that Jenny Hendrix leaves out porn for Santa Claus to watch, and he falls asleep after jerking off. It's like "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" except the porn DVD is mommy and kissing is significantly less important of an event.
Moral of the story: Santa has his priorities straight: porn > cookies and milk.
· Buy "Santa's Revenge" (gamelink.com)

Nice Jewish Girls
Christmas isn't the only December holiday worth porn-ifying, but sadly, there's a complete dearth of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa porn. The most likely cause is the absence of identifiable or marketable figures in the traditions of the other holidays. Since no one will take our script for a Hanukkah gangbang with Judah Maccabee and eight women ("I only have enough cum for one!"), we'll have to settle for James Deen dressed in Hasidic garb.
Moral of the story: James Deen may be Santa's only threat.
· Buy "Nice Jewish Girls" (gamelink.com)