If You’re Going To San Francisco

...for the Exotic Erotic Ball, remember that things can get a little goopy, oily, and Satanic. Luckily, a sponsor has provided a device for wallflowers to experience the sexiness from between 5 and, say, 11 inches away. Read on...

I am excited about the 30th annual Exotic Erotic Ball, which I will be attending to add a layer of decorum to the debauchery (by wearing a monocle). But, lest proximity to the writhing free love deviants prove overwhelming, I'm also going to be trying out the RealTouch haptic sex simulator, which transmits signals directly to one's junk via specially-coded adult videos.

Will the moistness and friction of the haptic marital aid rival what is available to one in real life, or will one forsake the carbon-based world for Tron-like sterility and Cyberskin orgasms? I don't know; which has better Mexican food?

If you're in San Francisco this weekend, please say hi (you'll know me by my ascot).

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