John Madden’s Penis Delightfully Absent From “Not Monday Night Football XXX”

Perhaps XPlay was concerned about offending fans? We personally would've been stoked to finally see Howard Cosell's little monkey.

Not Monday Night Football XXX

Studio: XPlay
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Angelina Armani, Lela Star, Sarah Vandella, Layla Rivera, Jaelyn Fox, Jessica Bangkok, Britney Stevens, Ashlyn Rae, Alyssa Reece, Topanga Fox, Ally Ann, Yurizan Beltran, Amia Miley, Tatum Pierce, Delila Darling, Cindy Jones, Mai Ly, Sophie Dee, Laci Laine, Rick Madrid, Billy Goodrich, Lee Bang, Evan Stone, Thomas Ward, Scott Lyons, Eric John, Kris Slater

It's one thing to parody a sitcom, but parodying an American institution like Monday Night Football requires both a solid sense of humor as well as serious focus on fucking. The challenge for XPlay is even greater with this parody because there are no protagonists to ground the plot, and no classic conflicts to spice up with sex. As a result, "Not Monday Night Football XXX" features an amalgamation of sportscasting legends doing what makes them memorable.

Rick Madrid plays the staccato-voiced Howard Cosell, who commands the preview show that the film is based around. He is joined by John Madden, played by Billy Goodrich, who spends time with fans, draws on the telestrator, and pimps tough-actin' Tinactin.

True to life, celebrities stop by to plug their latest projects/remind us of their scandals. OJ Simpson has his future read (keep in mind this is the 80s OJ), causing the fortune teller to flee the scene. Bill Cosby (manned by the same Thomas Ward who starred in "Not The Cosbys XXX") shows up as well, followed by a furious Laci Laine who demands Cosby leave his wife for her.

Although these allusions provide amusing intermissions from sex, they feel more like piecemeal potshots and less like parodies of the events they reference. Poking fun at the gimmicky, self-serving habits of a major network is clever, but without a strong, over-arching plot to center the jokes, the parody becomes a gimmick itself.

And like most parody porn, there's a clear distinction between the amusing and the arousing. There was one instance of Madden using the telestrator to discuss his favorite things about Angelina Armani (boobs, eyes, long, flowing hair), but it would've been doubly as funny to see him narrate an instant replay, telestrating the path of Eric John's cock as four cheerleaders tackle him in the locker room. Perhaps a "BAM!" or two would've been appropriate.

But there really isn't much to complain about. The simple fact that seventeen girls cram into five separate scenes is a daunting feat. With such an enormous cast, one might wonder how parody prince Will Ryder manages to coach this dreamteam to glory.

The answer? Teamwork: four gals for every gent, and no one hits the sidelines when the action is on. There's no showboating, no ball hogging, and the fans go wild for every play (seriously, there's non-stop cheering). Also, since every sex scene features a POV moment, viewers at home get to feel like they're part of the team! The sportsmanship is simply awe-inspiring.

Of course, there are a few star players. Evan Stone and Angelina Armani have the only one-on-one scene as the legendary quarterback Manhattan Joe and some floozy. He helps her get her foot in the door as a sideline reporter, so she helps him get his cock in her mouth.

"Well if I'm gonna taste your cock," she says, "I want you to taste my pussy." See? Teamwork.

Also exciting is the fact that Yurizan Beltran has her first non-solo scene. Yurizan, Lela Star, Mai Ly, and Alyssa Reece get bored watching the game at home, so they decide to ditch the remote and grab the vibrators. Even though it's her first time, Yurizan gives it 110% and really goes deep. I sincerely hope she continues this sociable trend.

The general mindset for parody pornographers seems to be "What if this show had hardcore sex in it?" Unfortunately, the finished product presents the question "What if this hardcore sex had jokes near it?" And while it's smart to unite the eternally homosocial institutions of pornography and sports, it's important to make sure they play together well. Perhaps "Not Monday Night Football XXX" could've used a couple more scrimmages before hitting the field.

And now I'm out of football puns.

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