Coming To Turgid Terms With “Barely Legal Baby Fat”

If this movie were named "Zaftig Elegance," I wouldn't feel so downright creepy about watching it. Instead this movie appeals to my prurient interest: I think of all the babysitters who line up at the hot dog stand by the minor league baseball field in Fleshbot West's Home Town. I think of the younger sisters (or worse, daughters) of the angular women who taught us SQL Server, and feel Ashamed. That the movie opens with sound effects of a crying infant and soothing lullaby bells also makes me wonder who the target audience is.

"When I measured you last week," says Van Damage to comely Emma Cummings, "you weren't so womanly." If you were they, wouldn't you be compelled to fuck after such an exchange?

The blur is what happens when bodies start slappin'. You can't control it. Not even with a Blu-Ray player. Here, Derrick Pierce helps Brooke Scott with body image issues.

At no point in the movie, other than in the title and in the sound effects, is the idea of "babies" considered; the theme of the movie is more one of fat as a result of indolence rather than youth. Lee Stone chastises Jersey (no relation) Cummings over her slovenly workout habits, for example. Then Stone does that thing where he flips her upside down so she can blow him (see gallery). So she can't be that heavy.

Another possible title for this movie would be "Abby Winters-cum-Cocks-sans-Didgeridoos," but that wouldn't fit on the DVD.

· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)

· Buy "Barely Legal Baby Fat" (gamelink.com)