Leave The Heroin/Heroine Jokes Alone: “Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park”

January 6, 2010
OTTIMO-MASSIMO

Seriously, even if this had hardcore action, it wouldn't make up for the blandly vile things that go on in this film.

Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park

Studio: Beatrice Film
Director: Rino Di Silvestro
Cast: Ann Giesel Glass, Sebastiano Somma, Antonio Serrano, Donatella Damiani, Karen Schubert

The basic plot of "Hanna D" is simple: Hanna is a precocious young woman who spends her time undressing in private train cabins to support her love of cramming drugs in her nose. She's torn between her boyfriend (Axel) and her boyfriend/pimp/pusher/guy who makes her act in porn we never get to see (Miguel) whose idea of talking dirty during sex is "I own you." However will she choose?

According to the back of the box, this movie is one of the many European imitations of "Christiane F: Wir Kinder vom Banhoff Zoo," the story of a 14 year-old girl who falls into a world of drugs and prostitution. The main difference between the two films is that "Christiane F" has a 100% David Bowie soundtrack and cameo; "Hanna D" does not.

Ann Gisel Glass (that is, Hanna) is fun to watch; she'll be strung out one minute and adorable the next. Imagine if William S. Burroughs were a young, petite girl with great fashion sense and even greater nipples. Sadly, the first third of the movie features the most nudity, and the most graphic act is nipple sucking. Not that we don't like softcore porn, but really, this is less than softcore.

If you're looking for something to jack off to, even something remotely arousing, this is not the right choice. It often seems there's more fighting than fucking. Also: lots of running in heels. And as many times as you get to watch Hanna get undressed, masturbate, and get felt-up, there are at least twice the amount of scrawny, grey, pant-less junkies and burly Dutch guys beating up women.

Unfortunately, we were hoping it'd be "so bad it's good," but it's not even that. Thanks to the awkward dubbing and complete lack of segues, you can't tell what's going on half the time. Sure, it starts out pretty tantalizing with Hanna's coquettish charms and her mother's boobs drunkenly flopping everywhere, but it's mostly grotesque and depressing and if you like watching girls shoot heroin through their eyelids then shame on you.

· Buy "Hanna D: The Girl From Vondel Park" (severin-films.com)