Five Possible Products From The New “Pirates” Novelty Line

A recent cryptic press release from Digital Playground announced the launch of an exclusive novelty toy line based on "Pirates" and "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge" but that's about all it says. So what could they have come up with?

The only clues they give us are that the toys are "designed with unique character and individual personalities that enhance the star characters of each of the two films," they contain "ultra quiet, super-powered motors," and everyone is going to love them. Digital Playground will probably unveil the merchandise soon, but here's what we would love to see.

Blue Pearl G-Spot Vibe. The magical relic Empress Xifeng used to resurrect Stagnetti can now be yours! Ladies, just part your seas and find that ancient place of power and pleasure. We guarantee you'll rise from the dead. And gents, the Blue Pearl also doubles as a P-Spot rocker for those among you who aren't afraid to walk the plank.

Libertator Pillow Shaped Like a Pirate Ship. Sometimes couples have trouble finding a rhythm that works for them. This special pillow, shaped just like Vigilance, will rock lovers across the ocean with the gentle rolling of the waves. It has several settings for pace and intensity—everything from Docked At Port to The Perfect Storm—and there's a special button that simulates cannon fire for an extra thrill. It's just like being splayed out on the deck during a high seas pirate brawl.

Jizz-proof Eyepatch. If your man wants to give you a facial, but you're worried about getting it in your eye, just slap one of these bad boys on. You'll be worry free without flinching, and he'll be happy because you look like Whitebeard. Material is both hand- and machine-washable.

Vibrating Tongue Ring That Makes You Talk Like a Pirate. Slip-on tongue rings are fun, but they prevent you from talking dirty (or talking at all, really). The new "Pirates" Tongue Ring solves that problem. Not only is it sleek enough to allow lovers to speak around the "super-powered motor," it also makes you sound just like Victor Stagnetti. And if you think you know what dirty talk is, just wait until the voice of Tommy Gunn freed from the depths of hell leaps from your mouth. Don't forget to combine it with...

Sea Salt Flavored Lube. If we can have Mojito flavored lubricant, why not this? Also goes well with kettle chips.

We're pretty sure Digital Playground's stuff will be...er... higher quality than our imagineerings, but we're sure the larger Fleshbot community could come up with something amazing. What would you like to see?

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)

EDIT: Just found this. Perhaps we spoke too soon. Or too late. (business.avn.com)