It’s Sort Of All Right, Cuz It’s “This Ain’t Saved By The Bell XXX”

We heard they originally wanted to do "This Ain't For Whom The Bell Tolls XXX," but no one will finance a porn with Francisco Franco in it.

This Ain't Saved By The Bell XXX

Studio: Hustler Video
Director: Axel Braun
Cast: Misty Stone, Missy Stone, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, April O'Neil, Ally Ann, Ralph Long, Mikey Butders, Eric John, Scott Stone

So, basically, the kids of Bayside High have jumped into another school year, and they're all 18 now. Before the credits roll, some unnamed rogue flashes a random cheerleader (Nicole Ray) in the showers, and she sucks his dick. Post-facial, the bell rings and the mystery penis runs out of the girls' locker room and past Lisa (Misty Stone), Kelly (Ashlyn Rae), and Jesse (Missy Stone). That's about the most important detail. In other news: Screech (Ralph Long) wants Lisa, Slater (Mikey Butders) wants Jesse, and Zack (Scott Stone) wants Kelly.

In the typical parody porn style, Kelly and Zack have the last scene together. Although the tension between them builds throughout the movie, they don't seem that eager to hump when it comes to it. Kelly arbitrarily decides to get changed for the dance (while sitting in the cafeteria, for some reason), and Zack automatically whips his cock out. I know it's pointless to complain about the acting in a porno, but they should at least be able to act horny.

Also, a word about Eric John. Remember back when the Seinfeld porn came out? He was great in that (I thought)! He wasn't necessarily funny, but he at least tried to embody the role of Kramer, er, "Crammer" in his cadence and spastic entrances. But since then, he's consistently played the same sleepy stand-in with a big cock. His Principal Belding isn't awful, but it's saddening. As Sir Laurence Olivier said: acting is overacting, and Mr. Belding sounds like this.

The only things saving these non-existent bells are the extraneous female characters. Sure, it's great to watch Screech bone Lisa instead of taking her to the dance, but that's only because Dustin Diamond was out of the picture. The real heroes are Ally Ann, April O'Neil, and Nicole Ray.

Ally Ann plays some random chick who wants to screw Zack and Slater in the hallway for no good reason. Sadly, Zack chickens out because of his Kelly-fidelity. April (who needs to do more movies, even if she'll only do lesbian scenes) plays an adorable activist nerd who has a finger -painting and -fucking session with Jessie. Nicole is that ubiquitous cheerleader, and not only does she suck the disembodied penis in the first scene, she's also found underneath Mr. Belding's desk while he's disciplining some troublesome youths.

It's a sad fact that parody porn writers have to rely on artificial fringe characters to make their movies work. I don't think these extra bodies are inevitable, only that people find it hard to let them go. They're exceptional (at least by proxy) performances make the main characters look dull, but hey, they give writers and actors a little more freedom and creativity, and a little less worry about keeping with canon.

Hey, writers! Maybe this means you'd be better without the parody.

· Hustler Video (hustlervideo.com)
· Buy "This Ain't Saved By The Bell XXX" (gamelink.com)

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Previously: Zoiks! Screech Can Really Go

Hustler Video (hustlervideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Saved By The Bell XXX" (gamelink.com)
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