Fleshbot’s Last Minute Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

Whoa, did you wait until today to buy presents for Valentine's Day? Don't sweat it, everyone does. That's why we're here to suggest some of our favorite frisky items for this (forcibly) romance-filled weekend!

You know, if you play your cards right, you can use this last minute business to your advantage. Just tell your loved one, "Oh, honey! I know Valentine's is this weekend, but I figured we do it next weekend when all the restaurants have free tables so it will be intimate and romantic." If he or she doesn't buy that, that's when you whip out one (or many) of the following gifts.

[Thumbnail via JoannaAngel.com]

What To Wear (For About Five Minutes)
Agent Provocateur sells clothing so damn sexy that you yourself will feel like a love spirit descended from the heavens. However, we must get one thing straight: you shouldn't buy lingerie unless you yourself plan on wearing it. So if you feel like putting on the classic bra, panties, and garter set, go for it. Otherwise, it might be a good idea to buy your special someone this luxurious kimono (or one like it, since this silky beast goes for a hefty price).

Even if you run to Target and buy matching cotton robes, it still sends the message that you are dedicated to serious snuggle time.

Oh, Great, Chocolate
Next thing you know, we'll be telling you to buy roses and champagne and stuffed animals.

Ok, so it's a cliche gift. But you know what? Every cliche's true desire is to be fresh again. In this case, the cliche's desire is to get you totally laid. Vosges Chocolate has some of the tastiest and most creative chocolates around, and they're not afraid to package them into a nifty little aphrodisiac kit: Sweet Coquette. It comes with four different truffles packed with pearl dust, oyster infused cream, rose water, chamomile, and rum. It has Oprah's seal of approval!

If Oprah doesn't get you going, try the Aztec Elixir Couture Cocoa. It's thick, rich hot chocolate with two kinds of chiles, cinnamon, vanilla, and cornmeal. Yes, the fire does spread everywhere in your body. Everywhere.

Toys For The Ladies
Nothing says "I love you" like saying "Look, I purchased you some new, fascinating sensations for your vagina." We've tried dozens of thrilling products in our Martial Aid Test Kitchen, and so we feel that makes us qualified to recommend some stimulating tools for you and yours. First up: the Twisted Rose Glass Dildo. Our editor-in-chief loves this curved and ridged toy so much, it was our number one toy of 2010. Emphatic praise was spent on this glassy wang. Nuff said.

If you're looking for something a little more complicated and a lot more vibrational, check out JimmyJane's Form 3. Not only is this a strong little vibrator, but its silicone skin is so thin at the top that a finger can easily create a dent. What does that mean? It means your (or your partner's) fingers, which know your body better than the smartest gadget, suddenly possess a powerful rumble. Plus, the Form 3 is waterproof and submersible.

Toys For The Gents
To be honest, the only thing we can recommend for guys at the moment is the Tenga Flip Hole. I raved about this, and I stand behind my raving. Some commenters have pointed out that this thing looks like a penis death trap. We assure you, it is not. One commenter noted that the Flip Hole makes a loud shlorping sound when you have sex with it which makes it difficult for discreet use. This is true, but if you're buying it for someone as a gift—and we highly recommend that you do so—then it shouldn't be too much of an issue. Maybe those geniuses at Tenga will invent a lube that muffles sound! Maybe that's a Willy Wonka fantasy. Oh well. Buy the Black Flip Hole.

Toys For The Team
Body chocolate is always fun, as are vibrating cock rings, but for our couples' recommendation, we thought we'd keep things simple. And by "simple," we mean "light." Light bondage, that is. Lelo's Intima Silk Blindfold and Sutra Chainlink Cuffs combine function with fashion, silk with suede, and when you put them together, you experience pure immobilizing bliss. As our reviewer pointed out, you can tie yourself to a bedpost, cuff your wrists together, or fasten your arms a lover's body.

Paper Passions
You know what's really sexy? Reading. Combine that with brilliant humor, and you've got yourself an unstoppable aphrodisiac that only the most frigid of foes can combat. Still, we have yet to meet a soul who isn't turned on by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist's "Sexy Book of Sexy Sex." These two comedic geniuses cram 192 pages chock full of erotic facts and semi-fictions. As the product description warns, "You may easily spend the rest of your life orgasming your brains out, and neglecting your friendships, your career, and every other aspect of your life that doesn t involve constant genital stimulation."

If you think words are too passe to be arousing, you should pick up "Stagg Street," the first coffee table book by Ellen Stagg (one of our favorite photographers of all time). It has 100 pages of gorgeous models and pornstars doing their stuff, and when you purchase it, it comes with a free subscription to StaggStreet.com. Check out some samples!

And if you're looking for something a tad more novel-esque, check out the books that Salon recommends as part of their Good Sex Awards, celebrating the best sex writing in fiction from the past year. Their number one favorite will be named on Valentine's Day, but the lower numbers are pretty darn steamy, too!

So, This Exists
We were trying to figure out some other fun things for couples to do, and—in a sleep-deprived haze—we decided that erotic cooking was a good avenue to pursue. Little did we know that this road had been long paved by Debra Hite Gilbert and Johnny L. Gilbert with their hit book, "Lovin' in the Oven: Erotic Cooking for Lovers." In between racy comic panels, the Gilberts serve up their favorite recipes guaranteed to inspire friskiness in the kitchen. Want to know how to make Skyrocket Swedish Meatballs? You'll need "a half cup of fresh white bedroom eyes bread, a half cup of midnight madness milk, ground bootie beef, ground provocative pork, sexy salt, white passionate pepper, fantasy flour, a boiling pot of want it now water," and other naughty ingredients. We feel like sexing up some meatballs right now, and we don't really know whether that entails eating or what.

Want the same great taste in a slightly more serious tint? Try "Fork Me, Spoon Me: The Sensual Cookbook." It's pretty good and has slightly fewer lewd drawings.

One Is The Horniest Number
Let's say you're reading this and you don't have anyone to buy Valentine's Day gifts for. There's nothing stopping you from buying any of these gifts for yourself, ordering some Chinese food, and cuddling up with your good pals at Fleshbot. We've got Flesh Flicks, True Sex Stories, and absolutely no shame about pimping ourselves out on our own website.

Alternately, if you're reading this on February 15th and your loved one forgot to get you anything, you should most certainly purchase some of these gifts for yourself—especially the things for couples—and torture your absent-minded lover by celebrating your V-Day for one and not letting them touch or taste. Sure, it might be sinister, but hey, that's Valentine's Day.

[Thumbnail via Sandy Summers (sandy-summers.com)]