The Best Porn To Imitate For Valentine’s Day

Well, it's Valentine's Day. Chances are, you're probably going to have sex tonight and you're probably going to want to make it special. We know we shouldn't suggest this, but how about you emulate some super hot porn?

Good. You clicked. You are intrigued by the idea of imitating porn with a loved one. This pleases us.

Now, normally we wouldn't advise you to copy what you've seen in movies because, generally speaking, pornstar sex and civilian sex are different beasts entirely. Remember that Nikki Benz sometimes offers her civilian lovers the chance to be fucked like a pornstar, and they generally cower after a moment or two because they fear that their dicks shall be broken. Even if bodily harm isn't on the menu, porn sex is more about producing visuals than it is the tactile enjoyment of another person. Of course, you already know this stuff.

Today, however, since it's time for all manners of freakiness to go on, we thought it'd be fun if we recommended some sex scenarios and itineraries based on our favorite films. We'll even throw in some ways you can correct the mistakes that Porn Valley made! Let's begin.

[Image: Lynn Pops (pinkvelvetvault.com)]

For The Romantic, Soap Opera-Loving Crowd: "Awakening to Love"
Although they're not the main characters of this heartstring-plucking porn, Allie Haze and TJ Cummings have the hottest scene in the whole show. They play patients in the head trauma ward who have been keeping each other company for a long time, holding hands through tests and physical therapy. When Allie is about to be discharged, they realize their mutual attraction, so they scamper off to a supply closet to fuck. You don't need elaborate underwear to make a good striptease, all you need is attitude and stiff nipples poking through that light blue gown.

You will need: Just grab a couple hospital gowns—the crappier the material, the better—and some Crocs/flip flops/goofy sandals. If you really want to go the extra mile, wrap your heads tightly with gauze and find a slightly cramped closet to have sex in.

[Buy "Awakening to Love" and "The Wedding Day" (store.fleshbot.com)]
For Sex Spoofers: "The Flintstones: A XXX Parody"
Brooke Lee Adams and Anthony Rosano play Betty and Barney Rubble, and because they're both such talented actors, their sex is simultaneously the nastiest and the most cartoony. Betty waltzes out wearing a skimpy, leopard print outfit with a riding crop, tells Barney exactly what she wants from him, and they attack each other. Pornstars who stay in character plus power play equals sexual gold.

You will need: Break out the animal prints, loin cloths, loose tunics, and all the BDSM gear you can. Do Barney and Betty the way you want to. Heck, if you have a pearl choker, do Barney and Wilma! To complete the scene, have sex with some ambient retro jams in the background (we recommend surf guitar), and never ever stop talking in cartoon voices.

[Buy "The Flintstones: A XXX Parody" and "Wonder Woman XXX: A Hardcore Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)]

For Those Who Want To Learn Something: "Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Female Orgasms"
We've said many lovely things about this guide, so we won't bother selling it to you any harder. Still, if you haven't given this a look, now's your chance to instigate some hands-on learning. We're not going to recommend a specific scene; this is more about the mood of the piece.

You will need: A can-do attitude. Sit down with the movie, take notes, go out and buy a Hitachi Magic Wand if you feel like it. Whether you're having the orgasms or helping another find them, approach it with a sense of wonder, exploration, and reverence. Teleologically speaking, you're gunning for orgasms anyway, you might as well try to make them as mind-bending and intimate as possible. Still not convinced? Look at these faces.

[Buy "Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Female Orgasms" (store.fleshbot.com)]
For Those Willing To Push Their Limits: "Tori, Tarra, and Bobbi Love Rocco"
You might not think that a Rocco Siffredi film is the ideal movie to emulate for a romantic Valentine's Day tryst, but you have to give it a chance! We spoke with Bobbi Starr about her bathtub scene with Rocco and Andy San Dimas that involved, among other things, pouring a decanter of milk into her asshole and having Rocco plunge it out of her with his cock. While she reminisced about this, Bobbi had a wistful look in her eyes and a smile growing on her face. She sighed and said, "That was a lovemaking scene."

You will need: A sense of adventure! You don't necessarily need to recreate this scene with the milk, the tub, and the anal sex; all we're asking is that you do something you've always wanted to do, something you've wanted to do better, or something you've barely heard of. Educate yourself as best as you can and go for it. Alternately, adopt Rocco's laser focus and sadism and take control of your sex life like never before (with consent from your partner, of course). If you get your partner drunk off sex, you win! If you involve Andy San Dimas in the scene, you get bonus points. Speaking of group sex...

[Buy "Tori, Tarra, and Bobbi Love Rocco" (store.fleshbot.com)]
For The Third Wheel: "Bad Girls 5"
Ok, we're sorry, we talk about this movie too much. But this is different! Now we're not talking about Stoya getting doubly penetrated, we're talking about you and your potential participation in a double penetration scene (right after we talk about Stoya a little). Everybody knows that Stoya's pursuit of DP partners lead her to Vegas, where—with the advice of friends and the hands-on guidance of Joanna Angel—she fucked Steve Holmes and James Deen. "It was a wonderful time," says Stoya, "and begged immediate repeating on video for the viewing pleasure of Digital Playground's consumer base." And that was "Bad Girls 5." Now, how about you? Down for a Valentine's Day threesome?

You will need: Yourself, a partner, another partner, lubricant, and patience (and a few helpful tips from Bobbi Starr). If you don't have a special third someone in mind, it might be a little late to find one for tonight. However, if you have a horny friend on speed dial, or maybe you yourself are the horny friend who knows a willing couple, tonight could be great fun. You don't have to go for double penetration, but if you do, might we suggest adding a fourth person to your party? Everybody could use a Joanna Angel around to shout naughty words of encouragement and make sure everything is angles properly. Heck, we wish we had Joanna Angel here right now to encourage us to write. That'd be awesome!

[Buy "Bad Girls 5" (store.fleshbot.com)]
Another Take On Group Sex: The "Crash Pad" Series
There are a lot of things about "Crash Pad" that deserve imitation (the sincerest form of flattery): the apartment used for hot, random lesbian/trans/whatever hook-ups, the sometimes aggressive tone of the sex, the way the filmmakers sometimes forget they're holding equipment because they're so wrapped up in the scene. At the moment, we'd like to focus on the fact that whoever owns the Pad itself set up a hidden camera to watch all of the action. Aw yeah, we're talking about voyeurism and exhibition.

You will need: A third person, a hidden camera, a clever set-up of mirrors, a webcam, a far away house and some binoculars, etc. It depends on whether you want to watch or be watched. If you're the exhibitionist type, you could try your luck in the wild, but it's generally safer to do it in a private setting. Lacanian theory states that all human interaction is done with the awareness that a Big Other is watching you, so when there's suddenly a live, human Other, s/he make the scene sexier with special psychological powers. Then again, sometimes the third person becomes a humiliated cuckold, which is still pretty hot.

[Check out the "Crash Pad" series, and for some classic cuckolding to emulate, try the "Shane Diesel's Cuckold Stories" and "Mom's Cuckold" series! (store.fleshbot.com)]