Why “Here Cums the President” Is The Best U.S. History Textbook Ever

Maybe we shouldn't be deciding what is or isn't taught in schools when some of us only got 3s on the AP U.S. history exam, but gosh darnit, the leaders of tomorrow need to know that politicians should be allowed—nay, encouraged—to be freaky in the bedroom.

Here Cums the President

Studio: Goodnight Media
Directors: Lee Roy Myers and Ronald Raygun
Cast: Tori Black, Phoenix Marie, Diamond Foxxx, Kristina Rose, Jenna Brooks, Lisa Ann, Alec Knight, Anthony Rosano, James Deen, Mr. Pete, Rocco Reed, Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone

When Evan Stone is working a powdered wig, a bicorn hat, and a pipe, it's difficult not to believe everything he says. Every hot-blooded American was brought up to think of George Washington as a man of power and poise, and Evan does not disappoint in his portrayal of our most beloved founding father. Nor does he try to steal the show or stall progress; his job is to narrate, and to correct a few common misconceptions about American history

He begins with a myth of his own: the story about Washington chopping down a cherry tree. Mr. Pete, playing the young George, shows that he actually spent his youth making love to a fair young maiden named Cherry (Tori Black). Once he gets past all of her frocks and skirts, young George attacks Tori's ass with the mixture of cunning and brutality that you'd expect from such a brilliant military tactician.

Next, General Washington shows us that FDR (Tommy Gunn) actually could use his legs, but he could only muster the strength when fucking his wife's social secretary, Lucy (Phoenix Marie in a lovely wig). "Happiness lies in the joy of achievement, with the thrill of creative effort," says Roosevelt, parting Lucy's big buttcheeks to fuck her in the ass. FDR is a man who demands doggie style sex in his life, and he won't let a little thing like polio stop his pecker.

The inspirational moments don't stop there! "Here Cums the President" made us admire Richard Nixon (Anthony Rosano) a whole lot more than we ever thought possible. While on his tour of China, he asked a beautiful young masseuse (Kristina Rose) one little favor: "Show me your Great Walls." This little request results in one of the most hardcore scenes in recorded American history (well, at least in this movie), and Kristina makes some truly amazing noises when she's taking Nixon's cock in her backdoor, lying across his belly in reverse cowgirl. She also puts on a classically racist Asian accent, but hey, she sticks with it throughout the whole scene and that's what really matters.

Speaking of race relations, LBJ (Alec Knight) also makes some interesting comments with the first black secretary in the White House, Geraldine Whittington (Jenna Brooks). Just before he sticks his big, Texan dick in her pussy, he says, "I've always wanted to come in the colored entrance." We're not going to lie, we did a double-take. But we quickly decided that this ballsy statement was exactly the right amount of off-putting to remind us of the taboos of the times. Plus, Jenna and Alec have marvelous chemistry, and the way Jenna pulls Alec deeper inside her using his tie is enough to make us agree with anything they throw at us.

Honestly, we can't think of a single porn flick we've enjoyed this much in ages. Let's break it down:

1. The writing is hilarious and everyone stays in character. Maybe the JFK and Marilyn Monroe scene (with Rocco Reed and Diamond Foxxx) was a bit weak on bravado, but snarky, history-bending lines are cleverly dispersed throughout the sex, and the segues between scenes, screwing, and speaking are so damn seamless that they almost don't exist.
2. They overcame adversity to make this film. Production on "Here Cums the President" fell right in the middle of an AIDS scare, so three out of the five scenes have condoms in them. Does that slow them down? Hell naw. Four out of the five scenes have high-octane anal action in them, and the only one that doesn't is a recreation of the Clinton-Lewinsky blowjob (by James Deen and Lisa Ann). We have Ken Starr to thank for that one!
3. This whole movie looks gorgeous. We don't know much about cameras and lighting, but whatever they did, everyone needs to do. Evan Stone's distinguished-looking crow's feet are just as clear as the folds of Kristina Rose's labia, and yet we don't have to deal with the brain-melting brightness of other HD films. It's sheer beauty all over.
4. It's educational! We learned a lot today! Mostly we learned how much we love "Here Cums the President," but we were also inspired to look up Geraldine Whittington and Lucy Mercer Rutherfurd.

We tend to think that political sex scandals are a recent development, but "Here Cums the President" reminds us that horniness isn't a consequence of modern sin; it's a historical fact. Power and pipe-laying go hand-in-hand, and while that's not always a good thing, we ought to discern what's innocent and what's sinister.

So why shouldn't "Here Cums the President" be utilized in schools? Because it's hardcore porn? Good point. Then it's the best college U.S. history textbook ever.

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Kristina Rose and Anthony Rosano
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Kristina Rose
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Lisa Ann and James Deen
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Lisa Ann and James Deen
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Phoenix Marie
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Phoenix Marie and Tommy Gunn
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Phoenix Marie and Tommy Gunn
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Tori Black and Mr. Pete
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Tori Black and Mr. Pete
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