A Challenge Of Epic Erotic Proportions: Man Vs. “Man Vs. Pussy”

Can Anthony Rosano perform in five different sex scenes, with five different pornstars, all within twelve hours? Bonus challenge: can I sit through almost three straight hours of movie to find out? It's harder than you think, people.

Man Vs. Pussy

Studio: Goodnight Media
Director: Lee Roy Myers, Brian Bangs, and Spock Buckton
Cast: Anthony Rosano, Kagney Linn Karter, April O'Neil, Charley Chase, Cherry Torn, Alexis Texas

Since "Man Vs. Pussy" is all about following the minute to minute challenges that Anthony Rosano faces as he tries to complete five porn scenes, we figured we should follow suit. So I decided to document my day as I watched every last second of this lovely film.

Why is this weird? To be perfectly honest, I rarely watch every last second of the porn that I review. There's lots of fast-forwarding and chapter skipping that goes on because—I hate to say it—if you've seen one porn, you can guess what goes on in the rest of them. But because "Man Vs. Pussy" is such a unique film, I vowed to not skip around and slack off. Anyway, enough about me.

12:30 PM: I break open the plastic wrap and take the "Man Vs. Pussy" DVD out. There is a vile, almost human smell wafting up from the case, but I ignore it and put the movie on.

Anthony Rosano, the man of the hour with a very bizarre Pete Wentz-looking haircut, must follow five rules:

1. Anthony must perform 5 full sex scenes.
2. All 5 scenes must be completed within 12 hours.
3. If Anthony fails, a stand-in cocksman will complete his scenes.
4. Upon losing, Anthony must face the camera and exclaim "I am a loser" to his audience.
5. Ridicule is encouraged.

The directors and cameramen stand around, making bets for how long Anthony can last. No one believes that he will finish all five, and Marco Banderas is standing by with his cock at the ready ("Last month, I did ten women in three hours," he says with a toothy grin). Also, Banderas is there on behalf of Canal Plus covering the day's events. This is quite bizarre. In accordance with rule number five, POPPORN mastermind Spock Buckton coaches Kagney Linn Karter on how to mess with Anthony's mind.

"We need you to fuck at him."
Kagney isn't getting it. "Like, fuck him back? Wiggle around?"
"Just try to break his confidence."
"Are you living bicuriously through Anthony?"
"...Are you trying to say I'm half-gay?"

Anyway, Anthony's scene with Kagney goes off without a hitch, and she doesn't even try to mess with his head. Well, maybe somewhat. The script for this first scene—which none of the actors see until minutes before shooting—has Rosano playing a pizza delivery boy named Doughy. Therefore, as he slides his cock between Kagney's ample and spit-soaked tits, she taunts him: "Stupid broke pizza bitch. Fuck my titties, Pizza Bitch! Pizza Bitch!" When they take a break, Spock reminds Kagney of their chat.

"Remember what we talked about with you fucking at him?"
"Who's Adam?"

I start giggling and Lux asks me what's going on. When I try to repeat it to her, I realize that it sounds a little too perfect. Could this reality portion be scripted? Is Kagney the kind of girl who forgets the word "vicarious" and spaces out occasionally, or is this part of the script? I decide that I don't care because I'm enjoying myself.

1:37 PM: For his next scene, Anthony plays an ESL teacher who can't speak English. He seduces his student, April O'Neil, whom he describes as "cute as a button. She's tiny but she has big boobies." Spock has a word with the two of them.

Spock to April: "Don't fuck it up."
He turns to Anthony: "You fuck her up."
Lee Roy Myers walks over: "Is this an inspirational speech?"

When the two performers actually get to smooching, you can tell that Anthony might be a little bit sleepy. Nothing major really, but he takes his time with the foreplay, kissing her toes slowly. Eventually, he fucks her so hard that a globe on a different desk starts violently shaking.

Meanwhile, I'm eating hobo noodles with tofu and they are mad spicy. Between gulps of water, I notice that the globe still has the USSR on it. I get worried about the adult industry because of this.

2:50 PM: Anthony finished the last round with sweat dripping from his dark, swoopy, emo bangs, and everyone on set is betting that babe number three will be his last. Things start to go rough. As he goes down on Charley Chase, I notice that he's not getting hard. Suddenly the fear has gripped my heart. Hell, imagine what he's feeling! Some days each of us is like Anthony Rosano, am I right?

Charley helps him out with some super loud ball slurping as he jacks off, and he's able to begin fucking her doggie style, but the minute a cameraman asks for a leg shift, the blood flees from Anthony's cock and our man clears the set so he can focus.

Outside, the directors and crew discuss what's happening to Anthony.

Spock and Brian chastise Anthony. "Why did he clear the set? There are only like 30 people around."
Lee Roy Myers, however, is incredibly supportive of everything the man has done today: "He's already come this far. Literally." Still, everyone recognizes the need to plan for the Fall of Rosano, and how they will film him throwing in the towel. It's a sad moment for the team, briefly. Then Jeff Koga (hi, Jeff!) shows up.

Jeff: "You guys have a bell or something? Maybe he has to hit that when he taps out?"
Brian: "We're gonna line up every single guy along the side, and just have him walk out with his jacket over his shoulder..."
Spock: "And then we should make him eat sandwiches by himself. Still naked. 'Can you eat four sandwiches, can you do that four times?'"
Lee Roy: "We need a big doorbell that instead of going 'Ding-Dong' it says 'FLAA-CIIID.'

But Anthony gets it up! And he keeps going! And even though he only jizzes a little, it's a surprising amount given he's already burst twice before.

"I'm so impressed!" says Spock, dragging a wheelchair over for Anthony. "And you look like you just got off the waterslide."

3:25 PM: Cherry Torn, the fourth gal of the evening, has been doing BDSM for six years, but hasn't done many mainstream films. She's excited to work with Mr. Rosano! How does he feel? Surprisingly: rock hard. They take a long break between the third and fourth scene, so as soon as Anthony is up, he bends Cherry over and goes straight for doggie style. Even though he's pretty successfully fucking Cherry, you can tell that Anthony is really testing his limits. He bites and sucks her toes for sustenance, but it's not enough to make his penis cheer up a little.

It gets even worse when he finally comes. His balls hang in the air, completely bored with wrinkling and unwrinkling. Somewhere far off, you can hear a very tiny, rusty screen door slowly open and then bang shut: that's the sound of Anthony's prostate going off.

Lux leans over again to ask how Anthony is doing. She finds him standing around, getting his flaccid-yet-huge penis sucked by a cum-hungry Cherry. Lux nods and goes back to her work. There is something weird about seeing a bunch of dudes hang out and watch another fatigued dude get slobbered on. I suddenly feel very far outside myself. I've been watching too much porn today. At least there's only one more scene to go.

3:52 PM (maybe?): I grab some coffee and sit down for the last stretch. Spock Buckton starts off with a big bucket of hype: "When's the last time any of you did four things in a day?" Even though Mr. Buckton is a hilarious human being, he sometimes tries too hard to get the laugh. But who am I to judge? I can't step to his game. Anthony has one hour and fifteen minutes left in his day to fuck Alexis Texas. I have to pee something fierce. What will happen?

You know what? I don't want to spoil it for you. I have to say that I did watch this movie the whole way through—which I'm proud of—and Anthony has a secret technique for getting his dick hard: jerking off with a very specific finger configuration while a ladyfriend sucks his scrotum.

4:00 PM: The movie is finished, I'm sitting back with a very satisfied look on my face, and Lux wants to know how I felt about "Man Vs. Pussy."

"It was great! Hilarious."
"I know. You were laughing a lot."
"Yeah..."
"But is it hot?"
"..." I hadn't thought about that. "Man Vs. Pussy" is in a league of its own, so it's hard to compare it to other movies in terms of how arousing the sex is. Let's try and break it down according to the things that normally make a porn appealing:

The ladies: They are all gorgeous, talented, and multi-orgasmic, but it seems like they were chosen for their patience and willingness to support Anthony's endeavors.
The editing: We see and hear everything that goes on behind-the-scenes, and while that's necessary for the reality angle of "Man Vs. Pussy," it's naturally going to distract from engaging with the smut directly. Whether you realize it or not, your brain needs some significant concentration to get in step with porn, and almost anything can throw you off.
The fucking: Even when Anthony has his stroke on lock, I find that I'm not concerned with how great he must feel, how wet the girls are getting, or anything of the usual perv factors. Instead, all I care about is his endurance. The real gripping moments of "Man Vs. Pussy" are when one of the cameramen asks for a position change, and your heart leaps up into your throat because you know that you're about to see Anthony's cock start to soften while he's balls-deep in a girl. I screamed "Don't interrupt!" at my computer at least three times, earning cocked eyebrows and disappointment from the Kotaku people sitting near me.

So no, "Man Vs. Pussy" isn't what you'd watch when you're trying to rub one out, but I couldn't care less. This is one of the funniest things ever produced by the adult industry, it has some of my favorite people in it, and it deserves a place of honor on the shelf of every porn consumer in America.

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Anthony Rosano and Charley Chase
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Anthony Rosano and Charley Chase
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Anthony Rosano and Alexis Texas
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Anthony Rosano and Alexis Texas
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Anthony Rosano and Alexis Texas
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Anthony Rosano and Kagney Linn Karter
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Anthony Rosano and Kagney Linn Karter
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Anthony Rosano and Kagney Linn Karter
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Anthony Rosano and April O' Neil
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Alexis Texas
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Anthony Rosano and Cherry Torn
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