Tenga’s Latest Egg Is For Lovers (And Passionate Masturbators, Too!)

It's been over a month since Valentine's Day, and by now, you've probably hit some heartbreak. We're sorry. But listen, we have good news: Tenga released a new version of their legendary egg-shaped masturbation sleeve, it transfers heat from your hands, it's filled with heart-shaped bumps of various sizes, and it will love you (so hard)!

If you've read any of my other Tenga tests, you'll know that I'm absolutely obsessed with the company. They always pay attention to the little details, making sure that their products are easy to use, prevent messes, and can be quickly cleaned, thus allowing you to focus on what really matters: wanking yourself to oblivion.

For example, when I finally tore through the packaging of my Easy Beat Egg Lovers (it's a strange name, but I've learned to love it) and started playing with the elastomer sleeve, I noticed that the inside of the egg was coated with that gummy, almost sticky silicone that clings to lube, while the outside of the egg felt completely dry and clean, almost as if it had been sanded for your hands. And every egg comes with a packet of high-quality lube. They are so fucking thoughtful.

People often think, "Oh, this toy is so small and my dick is so large!" and then pass on the egg, but this little thing is insanely stretchy; no matter how well-endowed you are or how furiously you masturbate, you can take this thing balls-deep and it'll never break. Or you can just use it on the glans of your member! Anything works.

In my experience, the best part about using the Lovers Egg is that you forget the toy is there! The specific pressure and heat of your hands (or the hands of a partner) transfers so completely through the silicone that it's as if you've grown something slippery and fuckable on your palms. The ideal sex toy should let you lose yourself in the moment--focusing only on the sensations (both fresh and familiar) that stem from a sweet place between your legs--and that is exactly how I felt when using this egg.

The Lovers Egg, like the rest of the Easy Beat Egg line, is disposable, and is designed to be trashed after one use. However, some people report that you can easily flip the egg inside out, give it a rinse with warm water and soap, and use it a second or third time. I chose to throw the egg out after I used it, not because I was tired of it, or because I have a bad attitude towards my sexual partners, but because I didn't want to ruin my post-orgasm glow. We've all been there, right? You've just finished using a new sex toy, you feel great, and then you have to go about cleaning it, drying it, and repacking it somewhere safe. No, not me; not this time. I tossed my Tenga Egg in the garbage and then reclined with a long pull off my e-cigarette, because I wanted to imitate real life while I was imitating real life.

The only issue here is the price: $9 per egg. As much as I love this company, even I feel wary about spending this much on a single jerk-off session. But you know what? This is a spectacular sex toy, it gets even better when someone else uses it on you, and you deserve to have a spectacular jerk-off session. Here's what we recommend you do: buy the toy, blow off your plans for this weekend, stay inside on Saturday night, and have the porn-watching, pillow-biting, neighbors-frightening masturbation time of your life.

· Buy Easy Beat Egg Lovers (goodvibes.com)
· TENGA (tenga-global.com)