Heart, Attitude…And Better Sex?

It's no secret that Team Fleshbot is more than happy to test out aphrodisiacs, no matter how sketchy or ill-advised they might seem. So when two bottles of Heart & Attitude arrived, with no explanation, at our office, I didn't think twice about liberally applying the product to my genitals (and asking resident penis owner Ottimo Massimo to do likewise).

Heart & Attitude for Her--Champagne Intensity: I know what you're thinking: what the fuck is "champagne intensity," and what on earth does it have to do with good sex? Friends, I am here to tell you that I have absolutely no answer to that question...but that it doesn't matter, because I greatly enjoyed this product.

As far as I can tell, Heart & Attitude's lady product is intended to help women achieve orgasm more easily, with greater intensity and frequency (like champagne?). I'm not sure how it's supposed to do this (unlike Ottimo, I don't actually read the ingredients of products I put on my junk), and I'm not even sure that I can say the product lived up to it's promise. But what I can tell you is this: after I applied a dab of it to my clitoris, I seriously couldn't stop jacking it.

Now, granted, my affinity for masturbation isn't exactly a secret; and it's not like an uncontrollable urge to touch myself is particularly unusual for me. But something felt different about this time: was I more aroused? Were my orgasms more intense? Had Heart & Attitude coopted my brain and turned me into some sort of onanistic zombie?

I don't know, guys. But I did have a good time.

Heart & Attitude for Him--Extra Bold: I, however, did not have a good time. Gentlemen, whatever you do, do not put Extra Bold anywhere near your penis. Heart & Attitude's website says this:

You can expect: Longer, harder erections, increased staying power, less physical exertion and a gasping partner craving to please your every fantasy.

What they don't tell you to expect is an inextinguishable fire tearing down the shaft of your cock. I've tested this thing thrice--I'm even wearing some as I write this because I love journalism--and it does not make your cock bigger or harder. I can't tell you if I have increased staying power because this is the kind of pain that makes me go flaccid.

Extra Bold contains a handful of herbal supplements you usually find in male aphrodisiacs--such as Maca, Yohimbe extract, and Saw Palmetto--along with some preservatives and makeup additives that are designed to soak into your skin. I don't know if the herbs can be absorbed through the skin (they effect your sex drive by playing with your blood circulation), but I can tell you for sure that this quickly makes the skin of your penis sensitive, red, and clammy. Am I supposed to put such a penis inside a partner? Inside a condom? Oh, and God help you if the Extra Bold touches your urethra.

And in a larger sense, I'm a little offended that the women get a product that makes orgasms more exciting while we get something that only makes us bigger (and fails). It's sexist. Champagne for the ladies, real pain for the men.

· Buy Heart & Attitude (shop.heartandattitude.com)