Porn For Straight Girls: “Craving II” Is Full Of Dirty Ren Faire Sex

I'm not gonna even lie. I picked "Craving II" from the box 'o' porn at Fleshbot HQ because it looked hilarious. It's a naughty take on fairy tales, a favorite topic of mine, and while Grimm's stories have been Disneyfied over the years, I'm pretty sure that they never thought Rumpelstiltskin's work-for-trade arrangement involved beejs with the miller's daughter.

So hold on to your tricorn hats, all you pewter figurine-loving Ren Faire fans, because Jessica Drake and her crew are here to shake it up with a wardrobe full of velvety pantaloons, heaving bustiers, and even an occasional naughty poem. The sex isn't going to blow your mind in every scene, but if you like your porn glossy with lots of costumes, "Craving II" could be your bag. There are, like, ladybugs and shit on the DVD menu.

Jessica Drake introduces each scene as a fair maiden reading from a tome of debauched fairy tales, and she stars in quite a few herself. First up (pun fully intended), Drake is the innocent miller's daughter who has to figure out how to spin wheat into gold. Luckily, Xander Corvus comes along as Rumpelstiltskin; he is more than willing to offer his services in return for some favors, which he elucidates like so:

"I'll again spin your straw to gold
But in return my cock you'll hold
You'll suck it fast
You'll suck it slow
And very soon the come will flow."

(Yes, I paused to transcribe those lines for you. You are welcome.)

Corvus is a good-lookin' dude, and he's managed to sneak some eyeliner back into whatever century they're in. He also keeps his fancy hat on while he's fucking, so props to that. It's a good scene, although a pretty straightforward P to the V situation, although Rumpelstiltskin does pay attention to a fair maiden's needs when it comes to a good tongue bath. Jarring edits -- to put on a condom, I'd assume -- is a bit disconcerting, and this is an ongoing problem for the movie.

Hansel and Gretel show up in the next chapter, although this time they're lovers on the run and not siblings lost in the woods. Ash Hollywood and Seth Gamble show up to suck on some lollipops and have a threesome with a witchy India Summer. (Before she puts a sexy spell on herself, the witch is played by Veronica Hart in prosthetics. I don't know why.) The two women kiss and finger each other a little, but it's a very tame and Gamble-centric affair. That's a shame since Ash Hollywood and India Summer seem game to go down -- there was nary a French manicure in sight!

Jessica Drake pops up as Goldilocks, appropriately enough, and the three dudes who live in the cabin she breaks into aren't even bears -- they're bear hunters. Can you imagine if they'd been big, hairy tattooed gay men? This was a lost opportunity here, folks. Don't worry, though, as there's still plenty of cock to go around in this scene. Drake goes between Dale DaBone, director/husband Brad Armstrong, and Marcus London like a seal that plays horns with its nose, except her mouth and cocks! I was silently chanting "DP! DP! DP!" in my mind, but this was a strictly oral scene. If you're into messy blowjobs and facials, this will be just right, but I was disappointed that none of the bear hunters went near her honey pot.

We learn in the next vignette that Pinocchio was a real boy; he just wasn't a real man yet. (He is, however, over the age of 18.) As a local trollop nicknamed the Blue Fairy, Tanya Tate has the enviable task of relieving Kris Slater from his virginity. This is definitely one of the hotter scenes. Tate takes the reins, and she gives him a very hot and teasing blowjob until she teaches him how to easy pussy correctly (don't forget a few fingers!). She's one of the few on the cast that has an authentic British accent so when she says, "Fookin' pound me!" it's hot and not hilarious. Unfortunately, Pinocchio doesn't have the dosh to pay her gratuity fee, so she ties him up like a pantsless marionette to be found by his father.

The money shot of the movie, so to speak, is a rather tepid orgy that has some vague connection to Humpty Dumpty. The stars in this scene are Rocco Reed, Kortney Kane, Derrick Pierce, Alektra Blue, Jessica Drake, Marcus London, and Eric Masterson. It stays more or less a couples situation; there are some threesomes, both MMF and FFM, but I'm not sure that a bunch of people fucking near each other really constitutes an orgy.

I have no doubt that the high-end packaging, with a slip cover that could pass for a book or a video game at first glance, period costumes, and generally Ye Olde Tymes flavor is aiming for the female porn viewer. Does it satisfy? Well, it depends on your taste.

Why this porn is good for straight girls:

* If your taste tends towards glossy and away from grittier indie skin flicks, a more high-end production like this could possibly turn your crank.

* If you prefer porn with a story or humorous elements, "Craving II" could sate that need.

* If you dig traditionally handsome fellers more than skinny young tattooed dudes, the talent here fits the bill.

* As I've noted in other Wicked Pictures productions, they do use condoms. While I'm not nearly educated enough to speak to the issue of condoms in the industry, if seeing performers use condoms make you feel you are consuming responsible porn, you're golden.

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