Oregon Police Forced To Help A Naked Masturbator Who Fell Into A River

This fine, upstanding young man had the scare of his life the other night when he fell into a river after failing to stop masturbating when confronted by police in a public park. The police were then forced to go into the water to arrest him. 

According to the Portland Tribune (link below), this was shockingly not his first brush with the law, either.

The incident began Saturday, Aug. 2, at about 2:17 p.m., when the Oregon City Police Department received a call of a naked man masturbating in public view on the cliff bank of the Willamette River near the Oregon City/West Linn Bridge on the Oregon City side of the river.

Officers located the man who was later identified as 31-year-old Ernest Michael Kirk, who was wanted on a parole violation out of Clackamas County.

I know that whenever I'm out on parole, the first thing I do is hit the park to get in some quality public masturbation time. 

As OCPD and CCSO officials used a sheriff's boat to contact Kirk, he fell into the river and was rescued by the officers and deputies on scene. Kirk was pulled onto the boat and taken to a Portland area hospital for medical evaluation. When he was released rom (sic) the hospital, Aug. 4 at about 12:12 p.m., Kirk was arrested.

So let this be a lesson to all you parole violators out there, carefully select where you masturbate. You never know when the cops will be lying in wait to charge you with new crimes. 

Via The Portland Tribune