Dana DeArmond and the Survival of the Filthiest

February 16, 2015
ALFIE

“The other girls are the pretty ones,” Dana DeArmond told me the first time we met on the set of Wicked’s feature film, “Girls’ Night.” “They just bring me in to fuck.”

That day DeArmond was a last minute replacement in a five-woman orgy. Despite being an alternate, she completely dominated the scene, twisting it to fit her own sexual predilections with the help of a sparkly, strap-on dildo that she brought from home.

Born June 16, 1979, DeArmond grew up in Orlando, Florida where she performed in the same roller-skating club as future porn star, Sunny Lane. Utilizing her rhythmic talents, DeArmond landed a job as a dancer at Disney World and Universal Studios. This led to a night gig stripping in Florida before she eventually took her show on the road to California. In February of 2004, DeArmond shot her first hardcore video for Kink’s, “hogtied.com.” Her first boy/girl scene came a year later in 2004 for Eon McKai’s “Nue Wave Hookers.” She has since appeared in over a thousand films.

After witnessing DeArmond’s work firsthand on the Wicked set, I caught up with her again backstage at the 2015 AEE Expo while she was signing at the Girlfriend Films booth. She wore a pizza-themed latex dress that required a healthy lathering of lube to slip into.

DeArmond embraces contradiction. She defies the stereotypical, superficial porn star convention, but she’s also obsessed with certain materialistic items like designer handbags and shoes. She performs in the roughest of BDSM scenes, but she can’t watch gratuitous violence in mainstream films. Her humor is mostly self-deprecating, yet she’s confident in her status as one of the best performers in the business. She’s completely honest, open, and comfortable with who she is, but her comic nature seems to obscure something darkly mysterious and completely inaccessible. During our interview I felt both at ease and on guard. Her jokes seemed intended to win me over, and to test me, to see if I could keep up.

Alfie: Your fists are different sizes. When you fist someone, how do you decide which to use?

Dana DeArmond: It’s so weird. I’m like a carny with my little baby hands.

Alfie: Tiny hands that smell like cabbage?

Dana DeArmond: That smell like people’s buttholes. I broke my right pinky finger roller-skating when I was in the 7th grade. It stuck out like a thumb on the side of my hand. It looked like I was constantly doing the hang loose sign. I broke it so badly that it changed the shape of my bones. That knuckle is completely busted out now.

When I’m going to fist a woman, I use my left hand to see how big her butthole can stretch. I wait to see if she starts to get a terrified look, like she’s trying to remember her safe word. It’s very overwhelming to have a hand in your butthole. If she gets panicked, I take it out to give her a breather. Then I try my right hand and it usually just slips in because it is so much smaller. The girl usually feels very accomplished.

Alfie: You don’t tell them it was your gimp hand?

Dana DeArmond: Usually not. It’s rewarding for them. I’ve fisted people who have never even done an anal scene. I’m glad I have a trick hand. I didn’t really even notice it until I met a guy at a bar. He was telling me how he professionally retouched photos for a living. I blew him off. Then he was like, “By the way, what’s wrong with your hand?” That was the first thing he noticed. I was like, “You’re a critical weirdo.”

Alfie: Well I guess he picked an appropriate profession.

Dana DeArmond: Yeah, I should hire him to make my hands look normal in pictures.

Alfie: Why do so many skaters become strippers?

Dana DeArmond: I think certain people are just born entertainers. There’s also a competitive aspect to being an athlete, or a porn star, or a stripper. I worked at Disney World as a dancer after figure skating. A lot of dancers at Disney became strippers.

Alfie: When you have dark hair, bangs, and do fetish work, how often do people compare you to Bettie Page?

Dana DeArmond: Constantly, though I don’t mind because Bettie Page is an icon. She was a very powerful figure for feminism. She changed the world. I love Bettie Page. When I was a stripper the first time around, my stage name was Page. When people said, “You look like Bettie Page," I was like, “That’s crazy that we have the same name.” Stupid assholes. I go to Jumbo’s Clown Room a lot in Hollywood. They have a dancer named Page. She’s blonde and doesn’t have bangs, but I like her because she’s just this really punk rock girl. I always give her money. I love strip clubs. Now that I’m single, that’s all I do. It’s more satisfying than having a boyfriend. More gratifying. I feel like I’m getting more done. Accomplishing goals. Stimulating the economy.

Alfie: Why did your agent, Mark Spiegler, initially try to dissuade you from pursuing a career in porn?

Dana DeArmond: I think I struck him as innocent and timid. That was before he realized I shot scenes for Insex.com. After he saw me with a bag over my head, suffocating to death, he was like, “Oh this girl is legit. She is a hardcore, crazy pervert.” He asked about me for a few years before I eventually gave in and became a Spiegler Girl.

Alfie: Do you think women who start out doing BDSM scenes tend to last longer in the adult industry because they have more introspective personalities—the head games of BDSM force them to reflect on sex and their own desires?

Dana DeArmond: Maybe people who are attracted to BDSM are more intellectually sexual, but I don’t think it’s an indication of the longevity of your career. I’ve worked with women in fetish scenes where I’m like, “This person sucks. She won’t be here in two weeks.” Some people just get in over their heads and the losers get weeded out. I shouldn’t say losers, but I guess that’s what they are, losers. It’s Darwinism.

Alfie: You initially made a name for your self as “The Internet’s Girlfriend” when you collected a million friends on Myspace. You’ve said that Myspace whoring helped you combat social anxiety. You don’t strike me as a particularly anxious person now. Do you still cope with anxiety when it comes to meeting fans or doing interviewers?

Dana DeArmond: With the way my career has developed, I have more freedom in choosing my level of exposure. I don’t have to go to an office and deal with a bunch of coworkers. I’ve been doing porn for eleven years. I’ve adjusted to this lifestyle and my anxiety levels. Sometimes I get in really weird modes where I just don’t leave my house. Drinking is fun. It helps you socialize.

Alfie: One of my favorite moments from hanging out with you on the set of “Girls’ Night” was when you told the story about getting caught popping an Adderall while day drinking.

Dana DeArmond: I was drinking Mimosas with my friends when some lady saw me take an Adderall. I told her, “Yeah I’m taking drugs. It’s called brunch. Look it up.” Which was really aggressive for no reason, but, you know, Mimosas make you funny.

Alfie: You write jokes in you free time. Are those all intended for Twitter or do plan to do stand-up?

Dana DeArmond: I never want to do stand-up. Doing stand-up is sad and painful. I do other live shows. At the UCB Theater I’ve worked on “The Tournament of Nerds,” “Asssscat,” and “The Midnight Show.” We shot a bit called the “BANNED GoDaddy Super Bowl Ad”. It had a really graphic, close-up of my pussy that played onscreen for an uncomfortably long time. I was in the audience when people were watching it.

Alfie: Did you turn to see their reactions?

Dana DeArmond: Yeah. I was in the middle of the room so I could just feel the tension growing and thickening. I went to the after party and people were like, “Oh my God! You’re the vagina!” I was like, “That’s me!” I got a lot of high fives.

Payman Benz, who directed that clip, was trying to be overly polite to the point where it was making me uncomfortable. He was like, “I’m really sorry about this but we just need you to bend over for like five more seconds.” I was like, “You guys know I get fucked in my asshole for a living right? You guys are being super weird and you’re freaking me out. Just shoot it.” Now I’ve known them all for so long, but when they first met me, they were like, “We have to be really careful that we don’t offend the porn star.” I had to remind them that I do comedy too. Comedy and ad-libbing is half my career.

Alfie: You’ve said that pain excites and intrigues you, but you’ve also said that you don’t like to watch hardcore violence in films. Why do you think that is?

Dana DeArmond: I avoid rated R movies. When I saw Gone Girl, I wasn’t expecting that really bloody scene—

Alfie: Where NPH (Neal Patrick Harris) gets his throat slit? Who does that to Doogie Howser? He’s a medical doctor.

Dana DeArmond: I literally almost crawled back over the top of my chair in the movie theater during that scene. I was so uncomfortable. I hate gore in general. Most movies are just a little gratuitous for me. Experiencing actual pain or doing rough sex or things like that is an experience that you are in. But when you see something that is gratuitously gory, or even gratuitous nudity—

Alfie: Like a vagina that’s on screen for an uncomfortable amount of time?

Dana DeArmond: No, that was just hilarious. Like some of my guy friends tried to take me to see Hostel. It wasn’t just the graphic torture. There are way too many boobs for no reason in the first fifteen minutes of that film. I got up and walked out. Maybe I’m a movie snob. There’s this scene in Unbroken were like three hundred guys punch the main character in the face. It made me sweaty and uncomfortable. When they showed a picture of the guy at the end, I was amazed he still had a face.

Alfie: From your Instagram it looks like you spend your—

Dana DeArmond: Entire day in the bathtub? I’m probably in the tub an hour a day. I’ll take one or two baths. I’ve taken three in a day before. It just depends how dirty I feel. But it’s also where I can hide from the cats. Well, Heinrich tries to perch on my chest like I’m a person island. They always want to be on top of me. Sphynx cats are amazing. They are in love with people. They are the friendliest cats. They follow you around like dogs.

Alfie: Why does Doodlebug have her own t-shirt and not Heinrich?

Dana DeArmond: My ex-boyfriend got me a screen-printing class for Christmas, which is like a punishment gift, I think. Great gift, asshole. But Doodlebug is more photogenic than Heinrich. Every time I take photos, she perches on my shoulder and tries to get in the picture. She is obsessed with the camera. I had Kevin Christy—an actor/artist/comedian—draw me a picture of Doodlebug. I just thought it would be funny to sell shirts of her.

Alfie: How often do your friends make bald pussy jokes?

Dana DeArmond: God, all the time. They are like, “So you have three bald pussies.” I’m like, “Actually, I have a bush. Come on. Do your research.”

Alfie: You had most of your pussy tattoo lasered off. Do you grow out your bush to cover the faded scar?

Dana DeArmond: A lot of people don’t even realize I had that tattoo.

Alfie: You can’t see it anymore?

Dana DeArmond: [She pulls up her dress and combs through her bush] It’s under there but you can barely see it. The thing is, it’s really painful to have a tattoo removed and the skin looks really gross for a week and I can’t take time off work to get more laser sessions so I just grow my little bush. I can’t even grow a good bush.

Alfie: What constitutes a good bush?

Dana DeArmond: Like a coarse bush. I don’t know. Like straight, angel hair maybe. Like an Asian girl’s bush or something. Some people ask why I don’t grow a big bush. For me it’s physically impossible. I guess it’s my genetics. I’m not a hairy person. My brother can’t grow a beard.

Alfie: I can’t grow facial hair and I’m 32.

Dana DeArmond: Really? I thought you were 17. I got my tattoo when I was like 19 and lived in Florida. It was a very Florida tattoo: flaming cherries. It was so 90s. Then I got into porn and realized that just wasn’t my image. Tattoos kind of limit you, and it just wasn’t classy.

Alfie: Wait. Vagina tattoos aren’t classy?

Dana DeArmond: Vagina tattoos are not classy. I mean, it looks good on Chanel Preston, but that’s it…. Ohhh. Backpedalling…

Alfie: At the 2015 AVNs you are nominated for “Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene,” “Best Boy/Girl Sex Scene,” “Best Girl/Girl Sex Scene,” “Best Group Sex Scene,” and “Most Outrageous Sex Scene”—

Dana DeArmond: Yeah, but not “Performer of the Year” for some reason this year. I’ve been nominated four times before. I think they feel like they have to give other girls a chance even though I’m better.