Calling All Men: The Case for Bringing a Vibrator Into the Bedroom

I remember my very first trip to a sex toy shop. My best friend and I giddily rode to the local Cirilla's in her silver Toyota Corolla, sticky with sweat in the middle of what was a perpetually hungover summer marked by no responsibilities beyond scrounging together enough money for rent. My memories of the trip are vivid - the only store associate's dark curly hair, the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing faintly over the speakers, aisles of porn and anal beads and 2-foot dildos that both amazed and scared the shit out of me. I blame the inspiration for the trip on a full 6-season binge of Sex and the City.

That day, as ordinary as it was, became the definitive marker of a journey into sex far beyond what I'd learned on mainstream TV and tube site porn, square one of an exploration that would define me in both my personal and professional lives. I didn't know it at the time, but the steady drive down that four-lane Missouri road, the AC cranked all the way up, was the march toward my very first orgasm, a phenomenon that had never occurred despite the fact that I was neither a virgin nor an inexperienced masturbator.

We spent over an hour in the store, meandering the aisles with our eyes wide as the curly-haired Jessica watched us from behind the register and sorted through a shipment of lube. I picked out a purple, dildo-shaped vibrator that I promptly named Mr. Big despite the fact that it was a definitive 5 inches long. It had an anal prong, though I had no idea which area of my body it was intended to service at the time, and it took two double A batteries - an unfortunate reality that meant my roommates often found our TV remotes to be entirely out of juice.

My best friend bought the same one in pink, snagging us a two-for-one deal on the pair, and we piled back into her car grinning, ready to go home and test the toys from the privacy of our respective rooms. Despite my immediate success and satisfaction with Mr. Big, private is how I kept its use for years. It seemed, to me at least, that there was a clear line in the sand - vibrators were to be used when a real penis wasn't in the room to take its place. This created two wholly different sexual experiences in my life: Daily masturbation that was nearly always orgasmic, and sex that was generally pleasurable but rarely mind blowing. Like many others, I accepted this as my inevitable reality. 

Surprise! Everything we thought we knew is (still) wrong

But you know what? I was wrong about that. So entirely, dramatically, devastatingly wrong. Once I started working in this industry - interviewing sexperts, reading books on sexual science, pouring over niche porn and sexuality blogs and diagrams of male and female anatomy - I realized so many things I'd believed in high school and college and my early twenties were total bullshit. Vibrators aren't just for women - vibration feels amazing for men too! Sex toys aren't just for solo play - they can take a good sexual experience and make it explosive! Not being able to orgasm easily from penetration alone didn't mean I was broken or my partner was inadequate!

It all hit me at once: Vibes don't exist to replace sexual partners during alone time - they exist to enhance any sexual experience! These toys are the bomb dot com, y'all, but to truly understand how sex is so much more expansive than we've been led to believe, we have to overwrite some things we'd been led to believe when we were young. To lead us through this particular journey, I called in backup: Reid Mihalko, the sex expert/guru/educator of Reid About Sex, one of my long-time role models and a leading voice in the industry. 

"When I’m teaching men, I tell them that professional tools create professional results," he begins. "We shy away from using vibrators because culture says it makes us less, but you don’t shame carpenters for using a hammer instead of their hands. They’re using the right tool for the job.” 

Professional results is a phrase that instantly resonates with me. I've detailed how female sexuality is different from male sexuality before: The clit is merely the tip of an expansive iceberg that controls all female orgasms - from a physical perspective, at least - so it's no secret that employing a toy can help you fully stimulate a woman while giving her the pleasure of penetration. But how often have you read about the benefits of having her use a vibrator on you? 

“Vibration isn’t just for clits," Reid says firmly during our phone interview. "Men have sensitive spots, too." That's not exactly part of the explicit message our culture sends us that says men only get pleasure from sticking their penis in something warm and wet. "Let’s blame Freud for this, for this idea that there is such thing as a mature orgasm. It's messed us up. We should be coming at it from the perspective of, ‘What feels good?’” 

This wisdom may sound simple, but think about it: How often have we let ourselves simply approach sex by what feels good instead of what we think is supposed to feel good? If vibrators are just as fun for men, why doesn't everyone know it already? 

“A big problem is that mainstream porn - not all porn - doesn’t show a lot of toys. Trying to be a better lover just by watching porn is like trying to become a good driver by watching The Fast and the Furious.” Reid echoes something many of us working in the industry believe: Mainstream porn can be an amazing complement to your sex education, but it is not a replacement for one, and up until very recently, hasn't done a much better job at shattering the false Freudian stereotypes than the sparse educations we've have received. 

It's not just women that suffer for this miseducation though, so I ask Reid to elaborate on the ways we might be wrong about men's sexuality and all the ways we can make them feel good.

“Everyone’s body is different. We know women like different things on their clits, but we think there’s a one-size-fits-all for penises. Some guys like vibration on the head, some like the shaft, and then there's the taint, of course.” I can confirm. My first time using a vibrator during sex with my partner was a hilarious (yet still hot) montage of holding it in different arbitrary places and hoping for the best. Luckily, it was very successful - and yours can be too. 

How to use a vibrator during sex: 101

Reid jumps right into his recommended tool: A rechargeable wand. This is great news, because it's also what I generally recommend for solo play - in fact, many of you probably have partners who already own one. (And if they don't, consider it a gift that keeps on giving for the holiday season. You're welcome.) There's no wrong way to use a vibrator during sex (remember, this is all about what feels good!), but there are ways to ease into it. 

Before I get into the nuts and bolts of it all, I'll answer two questions I frequently get: No, you don't have to put it inside you and no, you're not doing anything wrong if your recruit a second phallic-shaped object playing a role in your sex life. Exhibit A:

“When I’m in doggy style, I’ll reach under to use it on the base of my cock. It’s really thrummy, so it stimulates my female partner and turns my whole penis into a vibrator,” Reid says. Lest you think that's all for the pleasure of the aforementioned female partner, believe me (or, you know, my partner): Vibration at the base of your dick feels very good. It's not the only place, either - there are a plethora of places you can experiment on to see how you like your good vibes: 

1. Your legs, stomach, and inner thighs 

Another thing that's not just for women? Foreplay and light teasing. Having your partner run a vibrator all over your body isn't just a great way to acclimate to the new sensations - it will legitimately get you harder. You're welcome. (Again.)

2. The frenulum

This is essentially the underside of the head of your penis where the tip meets the shaft. I could explain why this is great, but here's a GIF! 

3. Underneath your balls 

This is especially pleasurable if your partner holds a vibrator here while she's blowing you. The same thing is true in reverse - you can put it inside her, angling it toward her G-spot, while you're focusing your tongue on her clit during cunnilingus. (Oooooooh, I'm wriggling just thinking about it.)

4. On your taint 

If you've yet to experiment with any taint stimulation, this is a great way to do it! Start light, and add pressure as you get comfortable - with enough of it, you can feel it on your prostate.   

5. On her 

Consider this: If the vibrator is set high enough, you'll be able to feel it while you're inside her even if she's just holding it on her clit. Pretty awesome, huh?! There's an even more innovative use for it that Reid introduced to me during our conversation, too: Double penetration. You can put the vibe inside her - either hole, depending on her preference - and then fill the other with your dick. Not only does this give her an awesome sensation of fullness without recruiting another man, but it means you can feel the vibrations across a thin wall the whole time.

Know what else is great for putting DP on the menu? A dildo. "You learn that sex doesn’t have to just be about your penis, and you also don’t always have to be hard,” says Reid. “When I do seminars for college-aged guys, I tell them, “Get yourself a vibrator and get yourself a dildo. Be THAT progressive guy that can give a woman different choices and really satisfy her.” 

I mean, damn. 

Sometimes, however, the the challenge isn't figuring out what exactly to do with a specific toy - it's feeling comfortable and confident saying you'd like to try one out. "We don’t talk about sex, so couples are shy about breaching new topics,” Reid elaborates. “If you have a female partner who is shy about using toys but doesn’t come from penetration alone, showing it’s pleasurable for you too is a good way to introduce it.” He even has a guide for staging tough conversations, should you need an extra morale boost. Life is hard, folks. 

To infinity, and beyond!

My favorite part about bringing vibrators into the bedroom isn't just how great it feels for everyone. If you and your partner are new to toys, dipping your toes in the water busts the gates to further exploration wide open. I asked Reid what he would suggest to couples who had integrated vibrators into their sex lives and were looking for the next frontier.

“I would say anal stimulation," he said after a brief pause. "That’s not always about penetration, either – the anus has tons of nerve endings.” External butt play can include everything from rimming to stimulating the anus with your new vibrator, but don't knock internal ass play until you try it. I've written about how amazing stimulating the prostate can be for some men and how enjoying anal stimulation is not at all indicative of your sexuality, and Reid agrees. “There's this territory where straight men don’t give themselves permission to try these things,” he says. “Butt plugs can be great to explore, even by yourself. It gives men an idea of what it’s like to be penetrated.“ 

If that's not something you're open to, though, don't fret. Toys like butt plugs are awesome during sex for her, too, and can add another sensory layer to an already incredible experience. “When you’re making out or going down on each other, other sensitive areas and erogenous zones are being stimulated."

Reid is quick to reiterate that playing with toys - whether they're vibrators, anal beads, handcuffs, or spanking paddles - isn't just about what feels good physically. "It’s not just about physical sensations, either. It’s about what turns your brain on.” 

Now that's a strategy I can get behind.  

 Questions, comments, or concerns? You can contact the author at [email protected].