Ourselves, Growing Older: “Old Geezers, Young Teasers 2”

It is no surprise that in such an age-freaked business like porn — in which one is a MILF at 26 but one can be a schoolgirl until 25 — that the average age of these "geezers" is about 44.

Don't Stand So Close to Us after the gap.

. . .

Whitney Stevens taps out text messages on her iPhone in detention, covering up her sass with a book.

"Is that book funny?" her teacher asks.

"It's a laugh riot," she says.

When he tries to confiscate her phone, well, you can guess what happens. This is the first coupling of a movie that scene by scene redefines "geezers" from the bathrobe-clad, lawn-protecting curmudgeons of our youth until they become younger than us. (Almost. We're 23.)

"Nice fucking tits," our Mr. Chips says, and doesn't even bother locking the door before he begins manhandling them. That's what you get when you send your kid to L.A. Unified.

Then, party girls Kissy Kapri and Jaelyn Fox are disciplined by their jailer, who has kindly let them share a cell and keep their potentially-deadly boots. (That's what you get when you send your kid to L.A. Unified.) So far, we can believe these insolent tartlets would refer to these 50-ish men as "geezers." But then:

41-year-old Alex Sanders is a cat burglar who surprises Kylee Reese. See where we're going here? Who's next? James Deen?

Nope, it's Evan Stone, who'll be 44 in July. 44. In what goddamn world does that make him an old geezer? Maybe if he said to his partner, Dakoda Brooks, "What kind of name is 'Dakoda'"" But he didn't.

Finally comes Steven St. Croix, whose 40th birthday was Sunday, and Renae Cruz.

A blind survey around the offices of Fleshbot West determined that a geezer was a man in his 60s. Maybe we don't want to see that guy having sex, and maybe "Early Middle-Age, Young Teasers" doesn't sound right, but Hell, if it keeps the ACLU from boycotting your porn...

· Fusxion (fusxion.com)

· Buy "Old Geezers, Young Teasers 2" (gamelink.com)