2007: The Year In Sex Toys

December 26, 2007
VIOLET

It's been a landmark year for sex toys around Fleshbot Central, what with all those Jackhammer Johnson races across the croquet green, King Dong ring toss tournaments between giddy, fresh-off-the-bus interns. and long afternoons watching the editor whoosh down a Slip 'N Slide slathered in Astroglide. And as the year comes to a close, we've had a fine time perusing the sex toy toplists at the Village Voice, the SF Chronicle, Eros Guide and About.com. After the jump, we offer our own Ten Most Memorable Sex Toys of 2007 ... for better or for worse.

. . .

10.

Vortex Vibrations
All of our years hearing nightmarish urban legends about vacuum cleaner related masturbation deaths came to the fore when we stumbled across the Hoover of vibrators. Nevertheless, few things we've seen this year have made routine housework look so enticing.

9.

Jack Hammer Johnson
Not just the name of every guy trying to break into the business, this groundbreaking device (which was originally released back in 2006, though we didn't actually get our, uh, hands on one 'til this year) might also be pussy-breaking, as it's essentially comprised of a pogo stick and a dildo. Hell, we've been meaning to update that "Mustache Rides: $1" sign over our editor in chief's desk anyway.

8.

Incognito Tickling Dust Brush
Besides being one of the less subtly bizarre vibrator ideas of 2007, the best part of is that it's more than a household time-saver, it's also a snatch-powered homemaker's dream come true. If you don't mind the questionable safety, dust factor and possible jeopardy to said homemaker's respective orifii. But let's just say that between this and the Vortex Vibrator, the Fleshbot offices are sparkling.

7.

Five Finger Palm Harness
Talk to the hand, indeed. This hand-harness holds a dildo to the wearer's palm, guaranteeing that hilarity ensues next time you shake hands with your in-laws. Better yet, you can give a fuck of a high-five, do that one hand clapping thing that's supposed to be all Zen-like, and surely give one hell of a handjob.

6.

The Incredible Edible Anus
We can hear the jingle for this one already, though we doubt we'll be able to order this one at In N Out anytime soon. Not a sex toy per se, though if used properly on that first date you could get that cream pie you've always wanted.

5.

BodiTalk Escort
One of the best innovations of the year, O Mi Bod took their famous iPod vibe formula and applied it to phones: not a new idea by any means, but the execution gets a "10" for making sure there was something even dirtier to do with our iPhones and Helios in crowded elevators.

4.

Jingle Jugs
Do not overlook the power of the Jingle Jugs. Sure, they seem like the seasonal version of the Billy Big Mouth Bass we shudder to awaken by accident in Walgreens. But while the mighty Jugs look fit for the frat house and play a lame tune, savvy Jugsters can upgrade their wall-tits to play personalized messages or sound. And whose mom doesn't love dusting a flapping, noisy pair of boobies yelling the chorus to "Smack My Bitch Up"?

3.

Tuyo
This one's almost too beautiful, luxurious and high-class to have on a list like this; a gorgeous hard plastic, silicone, and stainless steel orb that vibrates on five different speeds seems like a piece of art. For your pussy gallery. Except many of us grew up frightened by movies like Phantasm, and just know that thing's going to chase us down and trepan our G-spots.

2.

Phallix' Dildo Bong
There's no specific reason we like this toy other than it's a water pipe that goes in your ass. Whose idea was it to smoke enema bubbles? Probably someone who was smoking some serious crack to begin with. (Also available in double dong version!)

1.

Delight
We had to put a real, functional, truly excellent and useful sex toy at the top of this list, or all our moms would be mad at us. Plus it's really a great vibrator, even if it looks like an alien fetus from Planet Poontang. We know, because that's where we're from, m'kay?