The Best of Craigslist: Coming Out Of Your Shell

April 5, 2007
DASHIELL

It's that time of the month again: time to see what our anonymous, horny, lonely, depressed, happy, horny, angry, frustrated, confused, and horny friends are up to in the personals section at Craigslist. Did we mention horny? That's to be expected though, because when you consider all their myriad personal problems—old age, blue balls, misogyny, excess flatulence, the Atlantic Ocean—it's a wonder anyone ever gets laid. It's gotten so bad even turtles are turning to the internet for help now. Go ahead and look ... you know you want to.

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The Best of the "Best of Craigslist"

· I'm Done With Ya, Bitches (Boston)

Blowjobs & handjobs
should be sloppy, noisy, and willing to finish the job. Not this "suck suck, oh my jaw" crap. I made sure to learn how to give good head. I give DAMN good head. I'm not afraid of your bodily fluids. I dive in and grab a snorkel if I need air. Let go of this bullshit femenist rhetoric and learn to worship the cock or become a lesbian.

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· RANT: Middle-Aged Women complaining about sex! (Chicago)

Well ladies, the shoe is on the other foot and guess what? I'm tired!!! I'm tired from sheer exhaustion of chasing your cock teasing ass for the last 25 years!!!! Constantly, going home with "blue balls" and "whacking off" because you want me to "respect you in the morning"!!!! Well guess what years of cock abuse has done to my sex drive?!!!!

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· I quit Cold turkey (Portland)

I quit masturbating last week, and I'm not Mormon.
Soak that in a second.

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· So Here's The Situation (Toronto)

It wasn't until we went to a bathroom stall to makeout that my secret slipped out. There he was one hand on my breast, and the other on my left ass cheek, and I let out this unbelievably loud fart, and he opened his eyes, stepped back, and passed out. My farting can interfere with sex too. I mean think about it, there you are taking me from behind, when all of a sudden, you hear this Tuba-like sound coming out of my ass, and there it is for you, the Chili we had at dinner.

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· 143 Reasons That I Will Be The Best Girlfrie0nd You've Ever Had (San Francisco)

57. I'm not opposed to having a hump-session anytime anywhere.
58. I don't want you to spoon me everynight
59. I like you to poke me in the butt in the morning

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· My Turtle Needs A Booty Call (Boston)

So I guess we're kind of talking about casual sex here but I promise that my turtle could give your turtle more respect and pleasure than the average "special friend."

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· Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work... (Philadelphia)

Did you not hear me open the door? Did you not hear me pull the ass gasket from the holder, tear off those 3 annoying pieces that hold the center in place, and sit down? Good god man, another man is taking a shit not 8 feet away from you. Shouldn't that take the bloom off the rose, so to speak?

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The Rest of Craigslist (These posts expire after one week, though we try to preserve the entire message for posterity.)

· to that special girl from Germany that i cant have - m4w (Washington, DC)

all i know is that i want to touch your whole body! if you ever read this i will be embaraced............ oh and i dont care about your boyfriend in germany, and i hope you dont mind my recent past. seriously if i cant have you thats fine, but i still have my memories.
that was all so long ago............................ lets do it in the car in the rain again! every night with you in paris was enjoyable to the extreme, it was perfect enough for anything and there you went between these fingers. i should have made you mine on the new year!

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· Lookin' to sniff out sweaty pits, balls and feet (Washington, DC)

masc bi dude that gets turned on by a dudes musky sweaty pits, balls and feet of suit & tie types and big plus are blue collar dudes that wear construction boots and sweaty socks. You need to be in-shape, n/s and d/df...masc discreet only (str8/bi) and discretion a must.

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· RE: Anyone Know where I can get my penis tattooed (New York)