DVD Review: “Smokin’ Crack 3”

With hundreds of porn titles being released every month, it is easy to become frustrated with the general sameness of most of the content while at the same time ragging on the deturgidifying pretense employed by porn's auteurs.

So what do you do when you're a director who's not out to push any boundaries but who still wants to make your genre movie stand out?

Read our review of Barrett Blade's "Smokin' Crack 3" after the gap. - G. Ponante

Smokin' Crack 3

Studio: Sin City
Director: Barrett Blade
Cast: Jayna Oso, Cindy Crawford, Vanessa Lane, Jeanie Marie, Jamie Elle

Review by: - G. Ponante

***

It would be easy to say that Blade knows how to direct porn because he is regularly on the other side of the camera, but if one looks at some of the directorial efforts of other talent, that observation doesn't hold much weight.

It seems, instead, that Blade simply knows who his audience is and knows that sales will drop if he suddenly chooses to get edgy and groundbreaking. "Smokin' Crack 3" is an effort that delivers what it should - energetic sex from central casting porn girls - but frames each vignette so that it, pardon the pun, pops.

"I took him in the back and fucked the shit out of him," says the subtly muscular peroxide Cindy Crawford in a voiceover. She is describing - what else? - a strip club patron who admired her smokin' crack 3. What follows is a by-the-numbers scene from the established porn canon that delivers everything necessary and doesn't detour into Weirdsville.

Not that I don't, myself, live in Weirdsville. But how much company do I need?

Vanessa Lane is next. She talks about how she was pumping gas one day with her "little crack hanging out", then she takes two observers home to fuck them. Does that resonate with you? Does that resonate with America? Of course it does.

Would I kick Vanessa Lane off my little electric golf cart on Catalina Island? Hell no. But I didn't need to see what she was up to beyond her gas-pumping story. I'm more a fan of Tory Lane, Sunny Lane, and Charlie Laine, but Vanessa boffins doubtless will see her in all the familiar poses.

I employed skipping technology for Jamie Elle (ass crack hanging from back of boyfriend's motorcycle) but landed on Jeanie Marie Sullivan, whom I haven't seen before and whose Catholic school smoking area voice repopulated my diocese.

I admit that Sullivan told a story that I found far-fetched. Apparently she had been in a co-ed jail, and crack-snacking had ensued. I reasoned that I didn't need trust to be a high prioroty in our relationship.

Sullivan is petite and skinny. You wouldn't expect her to have a voice like she has, unless she was a student of evil. I only expect wonderful things from her.

The compact and deadly Jayna Oso ends her baseball-themed anecdote with, "and that's how my smokin' crack (3) got me fucked in the ass." In this scene it is important to note that ponytailed Nick Manning plays her baseball player. I believe Barrett Blade is Canadian, so that might explain the utter implausibility of Nick Manning being a baseball player.

Oso is hot, though, with small breasts. You might wonder why such a tiny person might adopt a porn name that is the Spanish word for "bear". Many porn personalities take their names from streets in the northwest Porn Valley. Oso is one, as is (former director) Mason, (Bobby) Rinaldi, and explorer and creampie innovator Vasco Nunez de Balboa.

The five-scene movie seemed to end quickly, but nothing more needed to be said. Despite the film answering all my questions about smokin' crack, however, I have no doubt there will be a sequel.

· Sin City (sincity.com)
· Order: "Smokin' Crack 3" (adultdvdempire.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive