Porn Review Haikus: Back to Basics Edition

Sure, any horny schmuck with a thesaurus and a rudimentary grasp of syllable count can come up with haikus about German goo girls, tranny porn, or erotic mummification—but it takes a true poetic genius to make even the most workaday of smut titles worthy of literary enshrinement.

Join porn visionary and Fleshbot resident poet laureate Gram Ponante as he brings you everything you need to know about three otherwise unremarkable new DVD releases—in seventeen syllables each—after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus: Back to Basics Edition
by Gram Ponante

Like Aerosmith, PRH returns to its roots with this edition of Porn Review Haikus, utilizing the formula that made the popular series resonate in the hearts and minds of every American: judging porn by its boxcover.

. . .

"Legal Skin 18: Cream Pie Edition"
(Smash Pictures)

"Get in the van, boys—
Soccer carpool day is fun!"
(Internal Pop Shot.)

Porn's latter day fascination with teens and ongoing trend toward cream pies (you should try one: pull out most of the way, let go, step aside, and then allow the rest of the soccer team/sweatshop factory floor/House of Burgesses—whichever job lot of costumes the porn studio sprung for—to repeat) has resulted in this confusing boxcover.

First, "Legal Skin" would lead one to assume that inside would be teen porn starlets hired directly off their babysitting or ice cream store jobs—instead of Adrianna Russo, who looks like your mom's 30-year-old bachelorette best friend who works off and on for the construction company and sometimes coaches softball drunk.

Don't get us wrong: the staff, affiliates, and shareholders of Gram Ponante International would still love to do wholesome and wonderful things to Adrianna Russo; we just know that she probably registered to vote back when Styx started doing summer tours with Kansas.

Second, though this is a "cream pie edition", it appears that only about 80 percent of the scenes actually feature cream pies. That is like buying the Trivial Pursuit David Hasselhoff Edition and finding one fifth of the questions to be about The A-Team's Dirk Benedict.

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"The Dominators"
(Mercenary Pictures)

The girl in the hat
Showed up in cycling shorts—
Better show your ass!

Whenever I want to dominate a situation, I always have two friends back into it for me. With my two buddies' asses in the face of the Meineke guy, I made sure I was not going to pay a lot for anything.

Apparently what's going on in the boxcover is that the center actress, Destiny DeVille, on her way to a "Sanford and Son"-themed costume party, remembered the hat but forgot the belt and flannel shirt. She enlisted the two flanking starlets, Jada Fire and Vida Valentine, as a diversion. It almost worked.

Most everyone in the porn world uses two different names, their real one and their nom de porn. (My real name is Ronnie James Dio.) Mercenary Pictures' Domina X has taken a cue from T.S. Eliot and has three different names: her real name, her directing name, and her performing name, Vanessa Blue. We don't know why.

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"X: The Series"
(New Sensations)

Bill took the day off—
I can learn Photoshop fast.
I'll do the cover!

Like Michael Bay calling a film "Action" or Whit Stillman calling one "Useless", naming a movie according to its genre is a bold move. You are saying that your project is the definitive representative of the oeuvre. As you may know, I have named all my films "Ouevre".

Who better, then, to title a porn DVD "X: The Series" than porn scion Axel Braun, who once had his squirt-inducing thumbs insured by Lloyd's of London? (I don't know. Probably a lot of people. Probably you. Do you want to be a porn director? Come to my house. It's awesome. I already have your business cards ready.)

The first release in the series is subtitled "Anal" but the accompanying documentation trumpets "a full throttle dick assault that fills all holes." So if anal is only a part of what's going on, why not subtitle the film after something more apparent, like "poor lighting" or "clear plastic cover"?

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive