A Few of My Favorite Fetishes

Getting Our Freak on Can Be Safe, Sexy, and Subversive.

When I first entered “The Scene,” as the kinky kids of the early 1990s called it, we barely had the Internet. Mostly what we had as far as online techy communications are concerned was dial-up, privately owned and operated bulletin board systems (BBS), and AOL. The former was a Wild West of illicit content while the latter was a country club pretending to be an onramp. We managed to find what we wanted somewhere between the two, along with some dabbling in Usenet and other rough-and-tumble areas of the virtual world as we knew it.

Young perverts today don’t know how hard we had it back in the last century. We had to walk both ways to reform school uphill in the burning snow and acid rain. We cut our teeth on 1200 baud ASCII downloads and snark that would slice my more “woke” friends into cracker-sized snack bites. We saw things. Terrible things. Wonderful things. Things of marginal legality and taste.

And we were glad to have access to any of this because the generation previous had to actually meet in person. This led to the Hanky Code and other elaborate ways to flag interest without getting jumped in an alley by self-righteous vanilla people, but for the purposes of this update, I’ll focus on the wired world. The world prior to and during COVID-19 that will hopefully help inform and improve the world after COVID-19.

All of that is a fancy way of saying that I’d like to share some of my favorite fetishes with you. Some of them may seem weird since they’re not people, places, or things that you can immediately derive kinky satisfaction from. Only the most retentive among us will likely splooge over consent models, for instance, although I can imagine a consent model being employed both as part of the structure and the content of a hot scene. Instead, I’m going to start with some of the things I fetishize that make it possible to do WIITWD (What It Is That We Do) with some degree of safety.

In order to keep us from getting too far down this rabbit hole all at once, I will start off with some definitions, because who doesn’t love definitions? They may be a fetish of mine…

Fetish: What the hell is a fetish, anyway? In its most extreme form, a fetish is an object, body part, or behavior that’s psychologically necessary for sexual gratification. Without it, sex is unfulfilling, and the person may be unable to perform. I once knew a man who could only maintain an erection when being verbally humiliated. The moment his lover let up he’d lose his erection. That is a fetish taken to an extreme. The average person uses the word to refer to something that turns them on, maybe out of the ordinary, and enhances their sex life but wouldn’t destroy it by being absent. Imagine sexy lingerie, shiny stilettos, a workman’s belt, a fire fighter’s uniform; fun stuff like that.

Scene: Being a member of “The Scene” refers to the overall BDSM community. It’s akin to swingers referring to “The Lifestyle.” Using the lower case “s” in “scene” connotes the scenario within which the participants engage in kinky and/or erotic activities. A “scene” can be as simple as ritually brushing someone’s hair or as complex as a high protocol dinner with guests.

Safeword: Sometimes the participants in a small “s” scene need to communicate with one another during the heat of the moment. Since a certain amount of role play can be involved with any kinky activity, there’s no guarantee that words like “no” and “stop” mean what they usually mean. Because of this, easy-to-remember words like “red,” “green,” and “yellow” can be used to signify “stop,” “go” and “slow down.” For those who like to be creative, any series of mutually agreed-upon words you can remember when you’re spaced out can be used. For those times when the bottom is unable to speak, a handkerchief or foam ball can be dropped to catch the Top’s attention. 

Informed Consent: Since I mentioned Informed Consent above, I should explain it here, especially since it’s very important in both real-life kink and that which we present live or recorded for broadcast. In a nutshell, it means that everyone involved with a scene will know what is supposed to happen during it and agrees to participate. They are aware of any possible risks; have the opportunity to state their limits, boundaries, and triggers; know how to safeword; have an idea how long they’ll be playing, and what implements, and activities will take place during the scene. Depending on the people and the circumstances, this information can be exchanged via voice or written agreement.

There are several popular forms of consent used within the Sex Positive world, including SSC, RACK, FRIES, and PRICK. Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) became the motto during the 1980s to distinguish kink practitioners from the abuse its participants were and often continue to be accused of. While laudable, some feel the SSC model oversimplifies kink activities and gives participants a false sense of security about activities that may be outright risky or, even in the best of cases, involve some small element of peril. For those people, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) feels more authentic and realistic. Its very name acknowledges that there is risk, that the participants are aware of this, and that they have agreed to do it anyway. Cuz, kinky.

Because we are animals that like labels, there is another consent model that’s gaining popularity. I think it has a lot of merit, although the visuals it evokes are silly, if memorable. Freely Given. Reversible. Informed. Enthusiastic. Specific (FRIES). It doesn’t flow as trippingly off the tongue as some other mottos, but it tells you what you need to know to begin a play session with a reasonable assurance that everyone is on the same page. The last form of consent with a clever acronym that I’m aware of is the one with the naughtiest potential association. Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK) was introduced in 2002 and is very similar to RACK in as much as it acknowledges the risk inherent in many kink activities, as well as indicates that the people in question accept responsibility for their choices and consequences.

I realize these are not the garters, stockings, high heels, riding crops, and corsets you may have been hoping for, but they say that patience is a virtue. They talk so slow that I don’t always hear them to the end, but I’m pretty sure they said something about virtue and patience.

BDSM, fetish, leather, and kink content that show little or no understanding of the basic cultures they depend upon will ultimately fail no matter how cute or how hunky the models going through the motion are. They’re also more likely to encounter interpersonal misunderstandings and potential legal inconvenience. Once we know how to treat each other right while treating each other badly we can start talking about the specifics of play, possessions, and privilege.

Until next week, for more about consent, I recommend my friend Kitty Stryker’s book, Ask: Building Consent Culture, from Thorntree Press.