A Treatise On Whipped Topping

Whip or no whip? Always get the whip. Life’s too short.

Ah, whipped cream. One of the most popular foods to be associated with sex. It’s almost a stereotype, really. But it’s also really popular outside the bedroom-- the whipped topping market is booming, with the food trend attributed to more cafes opening up every day and tons of drinks and desserts that need topping. Let’s check out some fun facts and social media shenanigans.

Nowadays, you can get so many flavors and varieties of whipped topping products (why is there never any whipped bottoming for sale?) available to consumers. From one company alone, in addition to the sweet foamy goodness in the spray can, there’s a vegan coconut-based version and a sugar-free version for the keto folks. Whipped toppings in the freezer area like Cool Whip remain popular and are made from whipped oil for the lactose intolerant. Vegans may want to double-check labels as non-dairy toppings can often use a milk-based protein called casein. Flavored whipped creams are a surefire way for companies to get my impulse buy dollars and I’ve seen at least Walmart, Target, and Aldi’s house brands get in on that trend. The recent lemon meringue and key lime flavors from Aldi were excellent. Wait till you're my age and one of your primary fandoms is European grocery stores.

In the iconic scene from Varsity Blues, Ali Larter excuses herself to make an “ice cream sundae” for James Van Der Beek’s character, and, well, there was no bowl or spoon needed for this boob sundae she returned with, crowned with two well-placed cherries. Our friends over at Mr. Skin have included the Varsity Blues scene, in which shaving cream was actually what was used, in their article about Boobs Covered In Whipped Cream. In reality, whipped cream melts awfully quickly with body heat and makes a sticky mess, but if you put down some old sheets or towels and get to licking (giggity) pretty quickly, it can still be a fun time.

Now for more about actually culinary uses for whipped topping...

A company called Whipnotic is bringing some next-level technology with their swirled flavors of topping:

@whipnotic We’re crushing the largest food expo in the country! #expowest #whipnotic ♬ bounce (i just wanna dance) - фрози & joyful

Then there’s the staple of bachelorette parties, the blowjob shot--- a shot of alcohol topped with whipped cream that one must consume without their hands. It can be any kind of alcohol but here’s a recipe that looks extra tasty.

For those who indulge, pre-made alcohol-infused whipped cream is totally a thing now. It’s actually dairy-free and doesn’t require refrigeration. It’s called Whipshots and the company is owned by Cardi B, who definitely seems like a person who would enjoy the bedroom use of this product:

Here’s the WAP singer herself making a special drink with the strawberry flavor.:

@whipshots WHAT’S POPPIN, Y’ALL? STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM, THAT’S WHAT! ♬ original sound - Whipshots

It also comes in vanilla, caramel, and mocha Here’s a happy gal taste-testing from December when they had a limited edition peppermint flavor:

@missbedhead Trying all of the flavors of Cardi B’s vodka whipped cream! Pt 1 #cardib #whippedshots #whippedcream #alcoholrecipe @Cardi B ♬ original sound - Michelle Brown

Cold foam is a new trend in coffee beverages and now I’m seeing cold foam sold in spray cans at the market. This article explains the difference when you get cold foam from a coffee shop, but when it comes to the canned cold foam, I don’t see/taste much difference, honestly. My fridge may or may not have three cans of different flavored cold foam in it at present and it's delicious on/in your coffee.

Whipped cream is also notoriously a source for whippets, either from the can or using the nitrous oxide cartridges that are used to whip liquid cream. Nitrous is not the worst drug in the world, but I personally think smoking a good old-fashioned fattie and then consuming the whipped cream straight from the can like the Gods intended is the more fun and least harmful choice here, but y’all are grown, you do you!

Go forth and enjoy the whip!