Masturbation: A “Play the Home Game” Interactive Tutorial Pt. 1

Fun, Relaxing, Healthy, Safe, and Most of Us Are Clueless How to Do It.

Masturbation. Self-stimulation. Solo sex. Burping the worm. DIY. Softening the peach. They all mean the same thing; the forbidden practice of touching ourselves, especially our nipples and genitals, for our own pleasure. It is such a normal form of human development that we start young. In the womb young. Brenot & Broissin, and Giorgi & Siccardi each published research in 1996 stating that female fetuses had been observed masturbating to orgasm. It’s a pleasurable form of relaxation, self-comfort, pain relief, topographical exploration, discovery, and boredom avoidance that Kinsey in 1953 and Martinson in 1994 asserted we start pursuing in earnest at about two or three years of age. Planned Parenthood cites studies that found self-stimulation really kicks into gear once we hit our early teens.

We’ve been doing this since we were negative months old, so you’d think we’d be pretty good at it by now, wouldn’t you? And some of us are! Most of us? I may be speaking for myself, but after 11 Portland Masturbate-a-Thons, a lot of email, chat, and face-to-face conversations, as well as reading about the history of masturbation suppression and being raised with copious amounts of Catholic guilt, I’ve concluded that a lot of us don’t know what the hell we like when we’re alone with ourselves and we have no idea what to do even if we have a clue. This is unfortunate, since jacking and jilling off release oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, and prolactin, which make our brains happy and our immune systems strong.

Naturally, this inspired me to take it upon myself to presume to speak as an authority on the topic of masturbation despite the fact I’m still figuring out how to do it, too. Here is my advice based on what I’ve heard, what I’ve read, what I’ve seen, and what I’ve done.

What is Masturbation?

It seems like such a simple question, right? But, like “what is sex,” once you try to define it, things get surprisingly sticky in a metaphorical sense. In its most basic definition, it means to touch our bodies and either intentionally or accidentally experience sexual pleasure. What that means in the world of genitals is dependent upon the person in possession of the genitals and the socio-religious culture in which they live. While most people can stimulate their own fun bits, not everyone can, due to physical limitations. That’s why I personally think that mutual and parallel masturbation are great investments in a relationship that includes sexuality.

Not Everybody Masturbates

Not everyone is comfortable admitting that they masturbate or even identifies what they do as masturbation, so it’s hard to know how many people flog the dolphin or let the beaver swim. The number of people who don’t is likely higher than reported, but whether for religious reasons, low libido, or preference for partnered sex, some do it rarely or not at all. Sexuality is not a one-size-fits-all-mold that defines normal and everyone else is weird.

How to Prepare for the Big Event

Regardless of how our genitals are configured, there are some basic things to keep in mind before those of us who are so inclined go to town on them.

• First: Wash up! That means our digits, dildos, vibrators, or cucumbers. If the plan is to share a toy with a fellow masturbator, covering it with an easily replaceable condom. Bonus fact: the condom can be expired!
• Second: Have a good lubricant nearby. It prevents scratches and tears, creates a more frictionless surface, and should not irritate sensitive tissues like scented lotions. In most cases, an unscented, water-based lube is best. “Warming,” “cooling,” and flavored lubes can cause itching or inflammation. In a pinch, 100-percent coconut oil or 100-percent aloe vera can be used.
• Third: Set up the seduction. This is our chance to make it all about us without too much guilt. Turn down the lights, play forbidden music, burn some candles, incense, or fragrant wax. Watch some porn. Take a languid bubble bath or invigorating shower. If we have the right shower massage attachments, we don’t even have to get out of the tub or stall before we polish our pearl or badger our witness as we rinse off.
• Fourth: Let it take the time it takes and go where it goes. We might get an orgasm, 1,000 orgasms, or we might not have any. It’s like love, the harder you work to make it happen the less likely it is to happen. This is our time to tease ourselves, discover what feels good and where, revisit those happy feelings, and even perfect a few techniques to use on or show to any friends we frisk with. After all, both mutual and parallel masturbation can be a deeply bonding experience, as well as feeling amazing. It’s a great opportunity to learn our partners’ bodies and their reactions, especially if either person has a mobility limitation that makes self-stimulation difficult or impossible.

Now that we have everything ready, we can enjoy some alone time. In the next FleshEd, I’ll share an assortment of styles and techniques designed for genitals that are “innies” and genitals that are “outies.” I’ll include some quick details and suggestions for toys, too. Until then, have fun and play safe!