Is It Possible to Love Your Partner But Hate Your Sex Life?

What To Do If You Hate Your Sex Life

Imagine being head-over-heels for your partner, but every time things get heated under the sheets, you’re left feeling… well, lukewarm at best. It happens. And guess what? You’re not alone if you hate your sex life.

A reader once asked Dr. Laurie Betito, "Is it wrong to love my boyfriend but hate our sex life?” Now, that’s a good one, but let’s address the most basic point: it’s entirely possible to adore your partner for everything they bring outside the bedroom but be less than thrilled by what’s happening inside it.

So, what do you do when love and pleasure aren't seeing eye to eye? You obviously care about this person, but your bedroom blues are dragging down that sexual spark. Is it worth breaking up over bad sex? And more crucially—how do you begin having these “awkward” discussions to fix it?

Let’s break this down.

Most people aren’t thrilled with their sex lives.

@dr.anika.ackerman Why is your sex life suffering or why do you have no drive? Here are SOME common reasons. #libido #libidobooster #urology #urologist #postpartum #postmenopausal #menopause #postpartumbody ♬ toxic sped up - xxtristanxo

Turns out, it’s common to feel like your sex life is a bit underwhelming. According to a Durex.com survey, almost two-thirds of people feel they’re not getting enough action, and about half think their sex life could use, well... a lot more spice. So, if you’re sitting there wondering why you’ve fallen off the passion train, you’re certainly not alone.

But the good news? As in all things, communication is key to improving just about anything that involves two (or more) people. You’d be surprised by how close *your person* already is to being a better lover with just a few shifts.

What Makes A “Good” Lover Anyway?

According to Dr. Laurie Betito, being great in bed isn’t some magical, genetic superpower. Sure, technique plays a role, but intimacy is far more about connection than physical ability.

• Eye contact: Focusing on one another shows engagement and desire. It’s a subtle way of saying, “You are the only thing that matters at this moment.”
• The kiss test: A great lover knows how to kiss—no sloppy, saliva-soaked disasters here. It’s about pacing, sensuality, and a little teasing.
• Talk dirty (but nicely): We’re not (necessarily) talking about calling names or being vulgar. It's more like narrating what you’re dying to do to each other and how it makes you feel. Communication can be dirty and sweet.
• Touch with intention: Think face caresses and playing with each other's hair instead of clumsy groping like you’re looking for lost car keys.
• Listen with intention: A great listener = a great lover. Why? If they’re attuned to what you want and need, they’ll also be more in sync with you between the sheets.

Bring those qualities to light in your current relationship, and boom—you're already working some magic. But what if you’re facing the opposite, where your partner might check all the opposite boxes?

Signs There’s Work to Be Done

Sometimes the problem isn’t that you're missing affectionate looks or gentle touches, but rather, you’ve noticed these red flags sneaking in:

• Bad kissing: If your partner's kisses are as subtle as a sledgehammer, it could signal bigger issues.
• Always in a rush: From shoving food down to plowing through sex, if they’re rushing the experience, there’s a good chance they’re fixated on their own finishing line—not the journey (or your needs) along the way.
• Substance abuse: Drinking or drugs have known effects on performance. An occasional indulgence? Fine. However, substance abuse could be sabotaging their ability to be present during intimacy.
• Non-listener: If they tune out your voice while you’re talking about the grocery list, don’t be surprised if they’re equally inattentive to your body’s cues once things heat up.

But don’t call it quits just yet! Even red-flag-waving bed partners can improve, provided they’re willing to learn and, most importantly, talk openly about the issues. When framing this talk, try to avoid the blame game. Instead, guide the conversation toward mutual pleasure. Here’s a cheat sheet:

• Reposition the positives: Lead with what you love about sex with them. Everyone likes a compliment! "I love how passionate you are during sex, but I think we could experiment with trying different things.”
• Get playful: Try introducing something new with an exploratory tone. “Hey babe, I read about this cool position (or a fun new toy). Let's try it this weekend!"
• Speak up: Let them know immediately when they do things you like. Positive feedback works wonders.
• Guide gently: When something’s not working for you, gently steer them toward what does, both verbally and physically.

So, follow this advice if you feel like you hate your sex life. Sexy time doesn’t have to be something people are “just born good at”—it’s more of a joint adventure, with peaks and dives and sometimes moments when the battery in the toy dies.

BECOME THE BEST LOVER YOU CAN BE