How to Turn Your Thanksgiving Leftovers into Super Hot Sex

In honor of Cosmopolitan's deliriously stupid "I Basted My Boyfriend Like a Sexy Thanksgiving Turkey", I decided to write my own list of holiday-themed sex tips—because why spend your Black Friday playing tug of war with a fire-breathing soccer mom after standing in a four-hour, 20-degree line when you could instead be in your warm bed having sex? This seems like an easy decision to me, but you do you, O Holiday Shopper. Here goes:

1. Foreplay is important. Instead of wasting all the low-carb spaghetti squash that none of your relatives even remotely ate, stick strings of it to your woman's body in the shape of festive gourds and then eat them all off individually!

2. Up the blow job ante. Why not douse your penis in gravy and let your woman lick it off like the last Thanksgiving drumstick? Bonus points if you say "gobble gobble" while she's at it.  

3. Cover your body head to toe in cranberry sauce, then squawk like a bird. Nothing is more festive than turkey-themed roleplay!

4. For an ultra romantic night, skip the rose petals and sprinkle stuffing all over your sheets. Don't worry if you get any stuck to your butt while you're rolling around. Sex is supposed to be messy!

5. Remodel your genitalia using semi-heated mashed potatoes and then watch as your spouse devours it in mere seconds. 

6. Ladies, this one's for you. Employ the rewards system: Every time your man makes you cum, feed him a bite of pumpkin pie!

7. Have any leftover butter? Spread it all over your bodies and recreate your favorite nuru massage video at home!

8. Lay a row of rolls on your lady's back while she's in doggy, then snack on them while you're boning her from behind. The muffled sound of your munching is sure to turn her on! 

9. Make a bra out of butternut squash halves. Nothing is sexier than festive lingerie!

10. The fun doesn't have to end when you climax. Blend your semen into your actual Thanksgiving gravy and serve it to your sweetie on her post-sex turkey!  

Or, you know, you could just heat up your turkey after lazy morning sex like the rest of us. Your call.